Collected from the singing of: Russell, Dave; England: Gloucestershire; 1976
As sung by Dave Russell (Glostrad)
Now if every one was as fond of work as I am, you can bet
There’d be no lazy loafers, and there’d be no jobs to let.
But the circumstances will arise when one must stay a way,
For instance now my wife tells me tomorrow’s washing day.
So we’ll have a day off for that, we will have a day off for that,
I’m not the chap for losing work, I was never known to shirk,
But I’ll give it you plainly that ’tis the only shirt I’ve got
It got to be done, it must be done, we’ll have a day off for that.
Now close to where we live there’s going to be a beauty show,
There’ll be some lovely girlies there - I fancies I will go.
There’ll be a sight to gaze upon, but the attraction’s this -
The girl that wins the first prize gives every man a kiss!
So we’ll have a day off for that, we will have a day off for that,
I’m not the chap for losing work, I was never known to shirk,
But I haven’t been kissed for years and it’s not to be wondered at.
For fancy kissing a face like mine! - I’ll have a day off for that!
Now me mother-in-law’s been living with us for eighteen months or more,
And since that time I’ve put up with her insults and her jaw.
She clouts me wife and spends me money and orders me around,
And I’ve promised meself a hundred times if ever she do peg out
I will have a day off for that, I will have a day off for that.
I’m not the chap for losing work, I was never known to shirk,
But I’ll follow me mother-in-law with a face as long as a rat.
But won’t I smile when they’re pushing her in! - I’ll have a day off for that!
A hit from 1900 remembered by one traditional singer later in the 20th century. Hopefully such mother-in-law humour would be considered lazy and unfunny today. Originally written by the prolific part-time songwriter TW Connor and sung by my old favourite JW “Over” Rowley
The Era – Saturday 04 August 1900
I have been unable to access the original sheet music at the moment, the lyrics presented above are those remembered by Dave Russell, you can hear him sing his version at Glostrad …
Collected from the singing of: Adams, Harry; England: Somerset; 1976
I'm a chemist shop assistant, I might mention by the way,
A smart young woman came into our shop the other day;
She said she'd got a pimple, and the pain was something shocking,
Before I'd time to ask she'd started pulling off her..
I said "Miss –
We close at two on Thursday, is there any more my way?
Thanks, - Good morning, - Mind the step - It's very warm today
A blue-eyed boy with golden hair, and no hat on his head
Came shyly in the other day, if you please young man he said.
I have called about my sister she's a-feeling so contrary
Last week she swallowed half a crown and it still in little -
Tell your mother,
The shop was full of customers, in came Miss Pinkanwite,
She whispered something in my ear then blushed with all her might.
I said you'll have to stop him Miss, your right you must enforce it,
He must have squeezed you hard to break the whalebone in your —
Don't forget,
A frantic mother brought her child not with the tummy ache,
But his father's hair restorer she had given him by mistake.
In one night hair and whiskers, too, a yard long he had got 'em,
She stripped the child and showed me he was hair from top to —
Marvellous.
A lady cyclist came in for a patent puncture pill,
And a yard of sticking plaster; she had had a nasty spill.
Some broken glass was in the road just outside the perfumers,
It didn't hurt the bicycle but went right through her —
Back pedal Miss.
Another song from the Halls of the early 20th century that was remembered by traditional singers in the later part of the century. The original was written by the prolific TW Connor and featured in the repertoire of British comedian Little Tich while in Australia it was sung by Tom Dawson. It was collected by Bob and Jacqueline Patton from the singing of Harry Adams in 1976. You can hear Adams sing it in the British Library Sound Archive.
The Gaumont British Picture Corporation made a short film of a performance but I have been unable to find a digitised version
A contemporary recording by EE Fielding (poor quality)
Collected from the singing of: Ryder, Charlie; England: Hampshire; 1983
If there's a man I do respect, it is my dear old dad,
He's done no work for twenty years, but isn't doing bad.
My mother lets him live with us, tho' he's a lazy turk,
And gives him money every day to go and look for work.
And father keeps on doing it, doing it,
Father keeps on doing it, doing it.
Mother hands him out a bob and says, 'Now, go and find a job!'
He's trained so hard, he doesn't want to ruin it,
He's lost one eye through looking for work,
And father keeps on doing it.
Now father's got a fishes thirst, mind, it ain't his fault,
They reared him on red herrings and half a bar of salt.
And mother wears a lifebouy, she's afraid he's going to burst,
She hates the drink and begs of him to try and quench his thirst.
And father keeps on doing it, doing it,
Father keeps on doing it, doing it.
He don't care for yeast and hops, he opens his face and down it drops!'More! more! more! as fast as they are brewing it,
Mother says, 'Cut down the drink!'
But father keeps on doing it.
Now he bought a clock for ninepence and it's got such funny works,
No matter how you wind it up, it only goes by jerks.
He's oiled and he's boiled but his troubles all in vain,
For every twenty minutes it wants winding up again.
And father keeps on doing it, doing it,
Father keeps on doing it, doing it.
Every night when lights are dim, he takes the clock to bed with him'
And all night long, we can hear him screwing it,
He's up all night to keep it right,
And father keeps on doing it.
Father killed our old cock-fowl a long, long time ago,
Nobody knew it's age but it was forty-five, or so.
A pal of mine told him, he should put it in a pot,
And keep on stewing it until he found a tender spot.
And father keeps on doing it, doing it,
Father keeps on doing it, doing it.
Every now and then he goes and sticks a fork in the parson's nose'
But it's still hard, three years he's been stewing it,
The poor old cock's as hard as rock,
And father keeps on doing it.
Another early 20th century song from the Halls remembered by traditional singers in the late 20th century. This one was originally written by TW Connor , and performed by Dan Crawley
YOU CAN'T DIDDLE ME.
I came up to London a few months ago,
The way I was treated, I'll soon let you know,
I had lots of money the sights for to see,
Yes! I did the grand when out on the spree,
While walking one night, I quite forget where,
I met a sweet damsel so young and so fair,
She said, good night Charley! she made me feel gay
She asked me to treat her, these words I did say.
Wait till Good-Friday on Whit-Monday falls
Wait till a tripe shop they make of St. Paul's
Wait till poor Roger sits on the Queen's knee
Then you can reckon on diddling me.
Then I left this fair maiden, for she didn't suit me
Then all of a sudden a big crowd I did see,
There was a chap with some purses stood on a chair
When I did see him it made me to stare,
He tossed up a shilling, two shillings as well,
Into the purse he said it did fall,
A bob for the lot, he thought I would buy,
I guess'd it a swindle, so made this reply.
The time's not arrived yet, its rather too soon
Wait till Christmas day does fall in June,
Wait till the Man in the Moon you can see,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.
Then I walk'd about till I felt rather dry,
I went into a pub some ale for to buy,
They all stared at me, they thought I was green,
But I very soon told them all, what I did mean,
I put down a sovereign, I thought it look'd strange
Some big chap he tried to pick up my change,
I put it into my pocket, said, its mine as you see,
Though I be from the country, you can't diddle me
Wait till the Shah comes to England again,
And sell schokalones down Petticoat Lane,
Wait till Kenealy Sir Roger set's free,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.
I went to the play to see Hamlet you know,
When it was all over straight home I did go,
Three fellows they stopped me with their artful game,
They tried to kid me with a snide watch and chain
They said it was gold, thinks I: that's a lie.
They said give us a pound the lot you can buy,
I said not for Charley and left them you see,
You may try all you can, but you don't diddle me
Wait till our postmen get better pay,
Wait till a pig on a banjo can play,
Wait till no more little babies we see,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.
Now my landlady's daughter is a nice girl you see,
Two or three Sunday's with her I have tea,
She has a young baby, she seems very glad,
But she's got the nerve to say I'm its dad,
I know I have kissed, times two or three,
But I know that dear baby don't belong to me,
She may try all she can this damsel so gay,
For another chaps courting I don't mean to pay.
Wait till a snail can run like an horse,Wait till the Prince of Wales gets a divorce,
Wait till Mrs. Prodger's and cabmen agree,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.
As you travel through life be careful each one,
Take care of your selves and mind that you ain't done,
To be wide awake is the motto for me,
They can all do their best but can't diddle me,
Since I've been in London chaps, I have to contrive
I know how many beans there is to make five,
I mean to be jolly, light hearted and free,
You must get up very early to get over me.
So wait till your cocks refuses to crow,
Wait till to your Uncles you never go,
Wait till old England from poverty is free,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.
The song reproduced above appears on several British broadsides which all seem to have been printed in the last quarter of the 19th century. This is almost certainly the song that was first sung under the title “Then you can reckon on diddling me” written and performed by Mr Albert West in 1874.
London and Provincial Entr’acte – Saturday 19 December 1874London and Provincial Entr’acte – Saturday 10 April 1875
The song subsequently seems to have been widely sung by amateur singers – there are records of performances of songs called “You can’t diddle me”, “Diddling me” and “Then you can reckon on diddling me” (which I think it is reasonable to assume are all the same song) throughout the 1880s and 1890s.
Its one of a number of Music Hall songs suggesting that rural visitors to the capital might not be as gullible as might be assumed.
The song contains several topical references which reinforce the suggestion that its a song from the mid 1870s:
“Roger”, “Sir Roger” and “Keneally” refer to the Tichborne Claimant – a notorious series of court cases in the early 1870s surrounding the alleged impersonation of a missing wealthy baronet Roger Tichborne. The man found guilty of impersonating Tichborne was jailed in 1874 – his lawyer Edward Keneally, was subsequently disbarred but campaigned for many years on behalf of the Claimant.
“Mrs Prodgers” was a scandalous divorced woman with a considerable disposable income. From the early 1870s until her death in 1890 she initiated a huge number of court cases including over 50 disputes with the drivers of horse-drawn Hansom cabs.
“Shah comes to England again“. In 1873 the Shah of Persia visited England and attracted huge crowds of curious onlookers. He must have appeared particularly exotic, contemporary reports describe his attire as encrusted with gold and precious stones. His visit prompted several Music Hall songs including the Great Vance’s Have you seen the Shah?
“sell schokalones /shockalonts down Petticoat Lane” – I have no idea what this means!
“postmen get better pay“. Postal workers actively campaigned for better pay in the Victorian period and in 1870s there were several unsuccessful attempts to form trade unions.
“Prince of Wales gets a divorce” – in the late 1860s and early 1870s the Prince of Wales and his circle of friends were notorious for their scandalous sexual behaviour despite much of their worst behaviour being hushed up. There were numerous instances of dubious behaviour including accusations of what would today be described as rape. The Prince of Wales had a series of mistresses despite efforts to keep things quiet, he was named in a number of divorce cases.
It seems probable that the Albert West who wrote this song is not the same Albert West who in 1876 was the actor manager of The Marylebone Theatre and later wrote a number of theatrical pieces. Notices in newspapers indicate that one Albert West was managing a theatre in London, on exactly the same dates that the other was appearing on stage in places like Hull and Ashton-under-Lyne. Thus far I know little about the the Albert West who wrote the song except that he was usually described as a “comic vocalist” or “topical vocalist” and for some reason was regularly billed as “The vocalist you can understand.” (I will add to these biographical notes as and when I find out more …
Sources:
Entries in the Roud Indexes at the Vaughn Williams Memorial Library: https://archives.vwml.org/search/all:single[folksong-broadside-books]/0_50/all/score_desc/extended-roudNo_tr%3A23515
Collected from the singing of: Jones, Frank; Birmingham, England; 1984
They can't diddle me!
Written and composed by TW Connor. Sung by Dan Crawley.
Music at Francis Day and Hunters, 142 Charing Cross Rd, London
I took my missus for a walk,
We met a friend of mine;
He took us in a public house,
And "treated" us to wine.
When he call'd my old gal outside,
I thought "He must be drunk!"
Ten minute's after. I look'd out,
And found they'd done a bunk
But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!
When he thought the coast was clear,
He bunked off with my old dear;
But I went back and drank his beer!
They can't 'diddle' me!
We've got a lodger in our house,
Who ought to be in gaol!
He went and pawned my Sunday 'bags'
To drown himself in ale
He thought I'd be afraid to speak,
But I soon let him see!
For half-a-crown I made him sell
The pawnticket to me!
But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!He put my bags 'up the spout',
Spent the money on beer and stout,
But I've got the ticket to get them out!They can't 'diddle' me!
I don't object to tallymen
In their place they're all right!
But I went home the other day
And saw an awful sight.
For there was Mr. Tallyman
As cosy as could be,
In my arm-chair with my dear wife
A-sitting on his knee
But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!I heard her say, "Oh, dear! oh, lor'!
You make me love you more more."
Then I walked out and slammed the door!They can't 'diddle' me!
I went to a bookmaker once,
And backed a certain horse;
It won by nearly half-a-mile
Which suited me, of course,
A hundred pounds I had to draw
But when to him I went
The 'bookie' told me he was 'broke'
And couldn't pay his rent.
But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!He was on the 'do, do, do'
That's fourteen years a it's true
But I have still got his IOU
They can't 'diddle' me!
Another song from the Halls of the early 20th century that was remembered by traditional singers in the later part of that century. The original was written by the prolific TW Connor and featured in the repertoire of Dan Crawley whose brief biography appears below. In 1906 The Gaumont British Picture Corporation produced a short film of Crawley singing the song – this doesn’t appear to be available anywhere online, but if you know different, do get in touch! A 1920s recording by Walter Miller is shown in the YouTube clip below…
A snatch of it was was collected by Roy Palmer from the singing of Frank Jones and can be heard in the British Library Sound Archive.
Not to be confused with a song popular in the halls 30 years earlier, often called You can’t diddle me but initially advertised as Then you can reckon on diddling me.
Dan Crawley (1872-1912) was a music hall comedian and pantomime dame – hugely successful in the period before World War 1. His real name was Daniel Crowley, he was born in Ireland but moved to London with his parents whilst still a child. By the age of 16 he was appearing in the halls as a dancer, winning many prizes.
In the latter part of his career he specialised in the comic portrayal of down-at-heel elderly ladies and was sometimes billed as Dame Dan Crawley. He successfully toured Australia in 1903. The author and humourist F Anstey described a typical Crawley performance as “far from refined, but it was sung and danced with a delirious rapture that made it irresistibly funny.” Variety described him as “one of the few remaining specimens of the red nosed, flap shoe, variety of comedians fast becoming extinct” (Variety 8/11/1912). A successful career was cut short when he died of tuberculosis at the age of 40.
His grandson Fenton Gray continues the family tradition and performs many of his grandfather songs. Check out his website and more extensive biography of Crawley at fentongray.com
Other songs from the repertoire of Dan Crawley that were remembered by traditional singers include:
Entries in the Roud Indexes at the Vaughn Williams Memorial Library: https://archives.vwml.org/search/all:single[folksong-broadside-books]/0_50/all/score_desc/extended-roudNo_tr%3A38092
Paddy’s Wedding Tid Re I; or The marriage of Miss Kitty O’Donovan to Mr Paddy Rafferty
First Published
1796
Writer/composer
Charles Dibdin
Roud
RN17123
Music Hall Performers
Sam Collins
Folk performances
Collected from the singing of: Kneeland, James H; USA : Maine; 1941
THE IRISH WEDDING.
Sure, won't you hear
What roaring cheer
Was spread at Paddy's wedding, O!
And how so gay
They spent the day,
From the churching to the bedding, O !
First, book in hand, came Father Quipes,
With the bride's dadda, the bailey, O!
While all the way to church the pipes
Struck up a lilt so gayly, O!
Then there was Mat,
And sturdy Pat,
And merry Morgan Murphy, O!
And Murdock Mags,
And Tirlogh Skaggs,
Macloclan, and Dick Durfey, O!
And then the girls, dress'd out in wipes,
Led on by Tad O'Reilly, O!
All jigging, as the merry pipes
Struck up a lilt so gayly, O!
When Pat was ask'd
Would his love last,
The chancel echoed wid laughter, O!
"Arrah, fait!" cried Pat,
"You may say dat,
To the end of the world and after, O!"
Then tenderly her hand he gripes,
And kisses her genteelly, O!
While all in tune the merry pipes
Struck up a lilt so gayly, O!
Now a roaring set
At dinner are met,
So frolicksome and so frisky, O!
Poratoes galore,
A skirraig or more,
And a flowing madder of whisky, O!
To the bride's dear health round went the swipes,
That her joys might be nightly and daily, O!
And still, as they guttled, the merry pipes
Struck up a lilt so gayly, O!
And then, at night,
O what delight
To see them all footing and prancing, O!
An opera or ball
Were nothing at all,
Compar'd to the style of their dancing, O!
And then to see old father Quipes
Beat time with his sheialy, O!
While the chanter wid his merry pipes
Struck up a lilt so gayly, O!
And now the knot
So tipsy are got
They'll all go to sleep without rocking, O!
So the bridemaids fair
Now gravely prepare
For throwing of the stocking, O!
And round, to be sure, didn't go the swipes
At the bride's expense so freely, O!
While to wish them good night the merry pipes
Struck up a lilt so gayly, O!
A song by Charles Dibdin, from his dramatic piece The General Election which premiered in 1796 when he opened his Sans Souci Theatre on Leicester Place close to Leicester Square, London. Dibdin’s songs were still popular in the early music halls of the 1840s to 1860s when this song was particularly associated with the singing of Sam Collins, who made a speciality of singing comic Irish songs. The words given above are those published in The selected songs of Charles Dibdin, they are almost identical to those published in Diprose’s Comic and Sentimental Music Hall Song Book, which doesn’t credit the song to Dibdin describing it only as “sung by Sam Collins.”
Collins’ obituary in The Era described the song as his first great hit:
June 4, 1865; The Era
The song appears many times in cheap 19th-century street literature in the UK Ireland in America, only rarely credited to Dibdin, and often referred to as Paddy’s Wedding.
I don’t like work I’m poor, I’m proud and I’m particular
First Published
1901
Writer/composer
Harry Boden / Bert Brantford
Roud
RN24224
Music Hall Performers
Harry Ford
Folk performances
Collected from the singing of: Jones, Frank; England: West Midlands; 1984 Costello, Cecilia; England: Warwickshire; 1967
From McGlennon's 1902 Song Annual"Work" ("Poor, Proud, and Particular")
Written by Harry Boden. Composed by Bert Brantford. Sung by Harry Ford.
Music at Reeder and Walsh's
You cannot judge the temper of a tiger by its spots,
Nor a navvie by the whiskers on his chiv,
And one half of the world don't trouble how the other half
Manages to find a way to live.
We've all of us got notions if we haven't, we've ideas
With that you will or else you won't, agree
One man ain't like another if he's different, that's a cert,
If you want an example look at me!
I've got my health, I've got my strength, in fact I've got 'em both,
I've got my likes and dislikes too I have, I'll take my oath.
If I'm poor, I'm proud and I'm particular!
I don't like work and never did.
There's lots of chaps who're fond of it, d'you see?
And they're at liberty to do it all for me.
I might get a job if I liked to look,
But I don't intend to try,
For there's lots of millionaires as old and just as strong as I am,
Who never go to work, so why should I?
You never see Lord Rothschild push a barrow or a truck,
Nor the Prince of Wales at work a shov'ling dirt;
If you asked the King of England to go out a pickin' hops,
He wouldn't take the job on that's a cert.
You never came across John Burns a' holding horses heads,
Nor Chamberlain insuring people's lives.
You might as well expect to see Lord Salisbury lay a drain,
Or else Sir Thomas Lipton grinding knives,
And yet they rub along all right in their own tin pot way
They eat and sleep and so do I, so where's the diff'rence, eh?
If I'm poor, I'm proud and I'm particular and so I always was;
I could never take the least delight
In doing work, you see, from morning until night
I could do a bit if I wanted to
But I don't intend to try
For there's lots of toffs with twice the brains and much more sense than I've got
Who never go to work, so why should I?
You never see a swell what keeps a carriage clean a horse,
Nor a lady who's got servants wash and scrub;
You don't expect a man with lots of money to go and search
For cigar ends in the sawdust of a pub.
Why even cats and dogs are quite contented with a home,
All actors and musicians do is play;
The monkeys in the Zoo don't work, and when you come to think,
I'm just as good as they are, ain't I pray?
I do not say that in this world that no work there should be
But what I do say's simply this - 'Don't mention it to me.' For -
If I'm poor, I'm proud and I'm particular
I know what suits my health the best;
As long as I get all I want, d'you see,
You can bet that work'll never trouble me.
I dare say I could exert myself,
But I don't intend to try,
For there's lots of toffs about who wear the same sized hat as I do,
Who hate the name of work, and so do I!
A turn of the century hit for Harry Ford co-written by his brother, Bert Brantford. It was recorded for release on wax cylinder . It’s available on various music hall compilations, for example you can find it on one of the excellent Windyridge CDs.
Decades later it was collected from two singers associated with traditional singing:
Collected from the singing of: Costello, Cecilia; England : Warwickshire; 1967
McGlennon's Song Annual 1902Father, Mother and an Apple
Written and composed by Murray and Leigh. Sung by Miss Vesta Victoria. Music at Francis, Day and Hunter's.
My father met my mother in a very funny way!
He dropped across her coming from the sweet-stuff-shop one day.
She had an apple in her hand, I think it was the right!
Father winked at Mother, then she let him have a bite.
They courted one another for a long, long time;
Those two had lots of fun.
They saved up all their money, and when they'd got enough
The clergyman he rolled them into one.
Father and Mother fell in love with one another;
Mother had an apple and let him have a bite.
I've just been and bought one, it looks so jolly fine!
So I want someone to have a bite at mine.
My Mother always says that if you want to please a man,
The best way is to 'kid' him', and to coax him if you can;
And if you've got a fancy that you'd like to be his wife,
Mind and keep his 'tummy' full, and he'll be yours for life.
You've heard of Mr Adam and his wife I'm sure;
Well, I think she was smart;
She picked some fruit and fed him, which only goes to prove
She knew the quickest way to Adam's heart.
My Father told my Mother in my hearing yesterday
He loved her just the same as when as kids they used to play.
They both were in the parlour - it's a good job I'm so small
I was in the corner, so, of course, I heard it all.
They snoozled and canoodled, and the dear old girl
Around his neck she clung;
And father seemed to like it - he whispered in her ear
"I can't forget the days when I was young."
This song was a hit for Vesta Victoria at the turn-of-the-century. It was written by the Fred W Leigh, working with Fred Murray. You can purchase a recording of Vesta Victoria singing it from the excellent Windyridge CDs
In the 1960s the chorus of the song was remembered by Cecilia Costello, and you can hear a recording of her singing it at the Vaughan Williams Memorial Library
When the bell begins to ring we all go running about
First Published
c1901
Writer/composer
Herbert Darnley and Dan Leno
Roud
RN29858
Music Hall Performers
Dan Leno
Folk performances
Collected from the singing of: Bentall, Brenda; England; 1970
From McGlennon's Song Annual 1902:
The salvage manWritten by Herbert Darnley and Dan Leno. Composed by Herbert Darnley. Sung by Dan Leno. Reprinted by permission of the "News of the World" where copies of the song may be obtained.
Although our town from fire is free,
An idea once occurr'd to me
I'd join a kind of fire brigade;
I'd heard there's money to be made.
We are not the regular fire brigade,
But fine good boys who have a trade;
A noble, gallant, little band,
Together we will fall or stand.
PATTER: Well that's foolish to say will fall or stand, because we do more falling than anything else, I just fell off the engine – well, I say engine; of course it's not a regular engine, is more of an engin-ette – well it's really a wagonette. But it looks splendid, for –
When the bell begins to ring
We all go tearing about;
It takes us just an hour and a half
To get the engine out:
But off we go, to answer duty's call,
When we get to the fire, the fire's gone out
Or there isn't a fire at all.
A Fireman often sits to dine
With wife and beefsteak pudding fine -
The fire-bell rings, what does he do?
He leaves his wife and pudding too!
It's no use telling the risks we ran,
And what we've done since we began,
I don't wish now to make a fuss,
But I'm certain you'll hear more of us.
PATTER: Certain to. We shall get locked up. And we have run some risks. We have 15 false alarms in one week. You know, it was my idea, this fire business. You see, there's four boys and myself; we've been out of work six years on account of them pulling down the house were used to hold the corner of. When I said to the boys, "I'll go and see the superintendent of the real fire brigade." I went to a headquarters, and I explained. I said we thought we could be of some use to him. I said "There's only one fire brigade – that's yours – and of course if a fire broke out at each end of the village he couldn't squirt from one end to the other. And" I further said to him, "if you had a little fire you didn't want to attend to we could pop round and keep them going till you came up." He was a very nice gentleman. He never answered me, so I waited on the landing for about three hours and no one came to me so I thought "silence gives consent." I told the boys that everything was settled – all we had to do was sign an agreement and all swear whatever we got we keep. So we went to the little pub, I drew up an agreement and started swearing from 11 o'clock till they turned us out. Then I told the boys that we didn't want to bother so much about the fire but the salvage. I said we could go around while the fire was on and people were busy and find the salvage; or we could go before the fire and look round so that we should know where to lay our hands on things if fire did break out. We could go in the middle of the night and look for salvage. Butterworth turned round and said "Let us be burglars." You see Butterworth's a fool. We wouldn't have him in the crowd only the engine-ette belongs to him. It's through Butterworth that I'm here now. I should be at a fire. You see this is the first day I've sat on the back of the engine without holding. Butterworth was at the front. I'd lent him the helmet. We only have one helmet. Well, I turned round to ask if you got the bottled Bass. Now that was an idea of mine. I thought it would go handy; we could squirt the water and drink the Bass at the same time. Butterworth gave the horse a whip and jerked me off; I fell on my face in the mud. It was done on purpose to get rid of me. They are jealous. It shows how clever they are, they gone off and they have got the address of the fire and if they got there they can do anything I've got the nose of the hose and you can't squirt water artistically without the nose. -
When the bell begins to ring
We all go tearing about
It takes us just an hour and a half
To get the engine out
But off we go, to answer duty's call
When we get to the fire, the fire's gone out
Or there isn't a fire at all.
A typical Dan Leno song in that there was far more comic “patter” than actual singing. This one was cowritten with Herbert Darnley and published around the turn-of-the-century. It was remembered 70 years later by Brenda Bentall who sang it (or at least the chorus) for Roy Palmer. You can hear the recording at the British Library Sound Archive.
It was also recorded by Harry Bluff for Edison in c1902 – released on one of Edison’s cylinders, though I have not been able to find it online…
Collected from the singing of: Davis, WA; Alabama, Aliceville; 1952 Robertson, Stanley; Scotland : Aberdeenshire; 2004 Modern performances Petula Clark, Bobby Darin, Dusty Springfield.
McGlennon's Song Annual 1902
Written and composed by EW Rogers. Sung by Arthur Lennard.
Music at Francis Day and Hunters.
What is man without woman, pray tell me?
Just a sort of two-legged mistake.
He has no one to care for him, or pull his hair for him —
No one his wages to take.
He's a sort of a rind without bacon;
Or a hat that is minus a head.
Can't insure his own life, for if he has no wife,
There is no one to wish he was dead.
The worst wretch from Beersheba to Dan
Is a woe-begone womanless man.
Man without a woman is a ship without a sail,
A boat without a rudder, or a fish without a tail
Man without a woman is a wretch beneath a ban.
There's only one thing worse on earth-
That's a woman without a man.
Stern and grave is the bachelor lonely,
Till a ladybird gives him a wink;
Then he starts in to flirt about — follows a skirt about —
Takes to hair-dye and to drink.
He buys songs about love, doves and moonlight,
Which he sings with a gurgle and catch;
Till the neighbours all say, "Poor old Snooks, by the way,
Seems to have a soft place in his thatch."
Live without her he don't think he can;
And he scoffs at the poor single man.
Man was made by himself at the onset,
And the world seemed so calm and serene.
Parrots did all the clattering, there was no chattering,
Till woman came on the scene.
She arrived with the first bit of scandal,
And to tell it my heart truly grieves;
Said to Adam, "I'm sure that the lady next door
Wears a costume of last season's leaves,"
How she found it out, say if you can;
That would never occur to a man
See a man when he's just newly married -
All he does is to go to his work;
When he comes home his food won't cook,while his wife reads a book;
Thinks she should do it - the Turk!
Thinks his wife ought to darn socks and such-like,
And keep house very tidy and neat.
When he's hungry for tea, won't have kisses — not he!
Says he'd rather have something to eat.
Then she cries — to give in is his plan.
Trust a woman to manage a man.
Single men turn their noses up at babies
Make them always the subject of jests.
But when wed, all his "bouncers" are how many flounces are
Sewn on the twins' undervests.
Then in safety pins be becomes learned;
Also ribbons and tapes, coarse and fine.
When his friends' babies shout, he a bottle pulls out;
Says, "Lime-water I that's what I give mine."
Know these wonderful things no one can,
Until a woman first coaches a man.
A song reflecting sexist attitudes pretty routine in the Halls at the turn of the century – written and composed by EW Rogers and most famously sung by comedian Arthur Lennard. The chorus of the song seems to have lived on as a popular song in what I assume were the all-male environments of American colleges and military camps in the 1920s, 30s and 40s. At some point in the mid-20th century it was incorporated into what might be considered a completely different song, Silver Dollar, which was a big hit throughout the English speaking world in the 1950s.
The theme of the chorus is reminiscent of the popular slogan coined by Australian feminist Irina Dunn in the late 1960s: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” and it’s tempting to think that Dunn was responding in some way to the ghost of the old music hall song.
Having said that, this type of witticism did not originate in the Halls, and humorous sayings of this type go back at least to the mid 19th century – here are three early examples:
apistol without a hammer. (Victor Hugo, Les Miserables, 1862)
The earliest is from 1841 but I would be surprised if sayings of this type didn’t go back further. As far as I can tell EW Rogers was the first to put expressions of this type in a song (but let me know if you know different!).
The Era – Saturday 20 July 1901
Billy Murray recorded Rogers’s song in 1907, though it was wrongly attributed to a different composer/writer: Alfred Williams. The recording appears to be out of copyright so it’s reproduced for you here:
Billy Murray sings A man without a woman from Archive.com
The song appears to have been successful on both sides of the Atlantic and variations appear in American college songsters in the 1920s and 30s.
At some point, probably during the 1930s a variation on the chorus of EW Rogers’ song seems to have been combined with different verses in a song often called Silver Dollar, it appears in several collections of World War 2 military songs published in 1945 and later in military and college collections of the 1950s and 60s. It was published as sheet music in 1939, credited to Jack Palmer and Clarke Van Ness, though I suspect they were committing to paper a pre-existing song… The Silver Dollar version was a 1950s pop hit in the UK , Australia and USA for various artists including Petula Clark, Bobby Darin and others – in the UK Eve Young & The Homesteaders were number 1 in the unofficial sheet music sales chart for 7 weeks in Sept/Oct 1950:
A man without a woman (Silver Dollar)By Jack Palmer and Clarke Van Ness.
Featured and broadcast by Petula Clark.
Recorded by Eve Young on London Records
You can throw a silver dollar down upon the ground,
And it will roll, because it's round.
A woman never knows what a good man she's got,
Until she turns him down,
So listen, my honey, listen to me
I want you to understand
That as a silver dollar goes from hand to hand
A woman goes from man to man,
A woman goes from man to man.
A man without a woman is like a ship without a sail,
A boat without a rudder or a fish without a tail,
A man without a woman is like a wreck upon the sand,
There's only one thing worse in the universe
That's a woman without a man.
A woman without a man.
I have seen it suggested that this was used in a radio or TV advertising jingle for pancakes but I have been unable to confirm this….
A variation of the chorus was collected from the singing of Mr WA Davies in Alabama in 1952 – he sang:
A man without a woman is like an arm without a hand,
Like a boat without a rudder, like a fish without a tail.
A man without a woman is like a ship without a sail.
But the saddest thing in this old world to me
Is a woman without a man
Mr Davies explained that he had learned the song in college, though we can’t be sure whether its was before or after the link with Silver Dollar verses.
The great storyteller and traditional singer from the Scottish Traveller community, Stanley Robertson recorded the Silver Dollar version of the song as If you roll a silver dollar on his album Rum Scum Scoosh.
