I’ve got something to be thankful for

From monologues.co.uk

Out of evil cometh good, is a saying old and true
To lose all yer lovely curly hair is an evil thing to do
When I got married, a fine head of hair like mine could not be found
Through getting water on the brain it all fell in and drowned

But I don't care, for don't you see
My old 'gooseberry' can't hurt me
I've got no hair to pull out, Oh Lor!
So I've got something to be thankful for.

Once I bought a bicycle, and the darned thing nearly killed me
I used to practise in our back yard, till I rode it properly
The first time I rode in the street, I tried to dodge a tyke
Ran into some old woman's back and smashed my lovely bike.

But I don't care, for don't you see
My wife's mother was in front of me
She fell down and broke her jaw
So I've got something to be thankful for.

My old woman, s'elp me bob, is a most neglectful spouse
She won't do a thing for me since we've had a lodger in the house
There are my socks without any feet, and at home I have to stay
While she goes out with Mr Plugs, our lodger, every day.

But I don't care, for don't you see
When she's out I go in for tea
And have such a lark with the girl next door
So I've got something to be thankful for.

Years ago, when I was mad, I went fairly off my chump
In love with a girl, and ev'ry time I met her, my heart went bump
After the banns were up, and I'd bought a 'tanner' wedding ring
She did a 'guy' with my best man, the false deceitful thing.

But I don't care, for don't you see
There's six twins now in the family
And every year there's a couple more
So I've got something to be thankful for.