They can’t diddle me

They can't diddle me!
Written and composed by TW Connor. Sung by Dan Crawley.
Music at Francis Day and Hunters, 142 Charing Cross Rd, London

I took my missus for a walk,
We met a friend of mine; 
He took us in a public house,
And "treated" us to wine. 
When he call'd my old gal outside,
I thought "He must be drunk!"
Ten minute's after. I look'd out,
And found they'd done a bunk

But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!
When he thought the coast was clear,
He bunked off with my old dear;
But I went back and drank his beer!
They can't 'diddle' me!

We've got a lodger in our house,
Who ought to be in gaol!
He went and pawned my Sunday 'bags'
To drown himself in ale
He thought I'd be afraid to speak,
But I soon let him see!
For half-a-crown I made him sell
The pawnticket to me!

But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!
He put my bags 'up the spout',
Spent the money on beer and stout, 
But I've got the ticket to get them out!
They can't 'diddle' me!

I don't object to tallymen
In their place they're all right!
But I went home the other day
And saw an awful sight. 
For there was Mr. Tallyman
As cosy as could be,
In my arm-chair with my dear wife
A-sitting on his knee

But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!
I heard her say, "Oh, dear! oh, lor'!
You make me love you more more."
Then I walked out and slammed the door!
They can't 'diddle' me!

I went to a bookmaker once,
And backed a certain horse;
It won by nearly half-a-mile
Which suited me, of course,
A hundred pounds I had to draw
But when to him I went 
The 'bookie' told me he was 'broke'
And couldn't pay his rent.

But they can't 'diddle' me — oh,no!
They can't 'diddle' me!
If they take me for 'mug'
I let 'em see!
He was on the 'do, do, do'
That's fourteen years a it's true
But I have still got his IOU
They can't 'diddle' me!

Another song from the Halls of the early 20th century that was remembered by traditional singers in the later part of that century. The original was written by the prolific TW Connor and featured in the repertoire of Dan Crawley whose brief biography appears below. In 1906 The Gaumont British Picture Corporation produced a short film of Crawley singing the song – this doesn’t appear to be available anywhere online, but if you know different, do get in touch! A 1920s recording by Walter Miller is shown in the YouTube clip below…

A snatch of it was was collected by Roy Palmer from the singing of Frank Jones and can be heard in the British Library Sound Archive.

Not to be confused with a song popular in the halls 30 years earlier, often called You can’t diddle me but initially advertised as Then you can reckon on diddling me.

Dan Crawley (1872-1912) was a music hall comedian and pantomime dame – hugely successful in the period before World War 1. His real name was Daniel Crowley, he was born in Ireland but moved to London with his parents whilst still a child. By the age of 16 he was appearing in the halls as a dancer, winning many prizes.

In the latter part of his career he specialised in the comic portrayal of down-at-heel elderly ladies and was sometimes billed as Dame Dan Crawley. He successfully toured Australia in 1903. The author and humourist F Anstey described a typical Crawley performance as “far from refined, but it was sung and danced with a delirious rapture that made it irresistibly funny.” Variety described him as “one of the few remaining specimens of the red nosed, flap shoe, variety of comedians fast becoming extinct” (Variety 8/11/1912). A successful career was cut short when he died of tuberculosis at the age of 40.

His grandson Fenton Gray continues the family tradition and performs many of his grandfather songs. Check out his website and more extensive biography of Crawley at fentongray.com

Other songs from the repertoire of Dan Crawley that were remembered by traditional singers include:

• Anywhere does for me
• Father keeps on doing it
• I finish them off (RN10702)
• I’ve got something to be thankful for
• Jumbo said to Alice (RN25381)
• More trouble in your native land (RN5386)
• So does father (RN23517)

Walter Miller sings They can’t diddle me:

Sources:

• Entries in the Roud Indexes at the Vaughn Williams Memorial Library: https://archives.vwml.org/search/all:single[folksong-broadside-books]/0_50/all/score_desc/extended-roudNo_tr%3A38092
• Kilgarrif Sing Us
• Untitled ballad sheet published by the London Novelties Company held at Irish Traditional Music Archive
• Sheet Music: (not accessed) Worldcat entry
• F Anstey; A Long Retrospect; (1936) p289. at archive.com
• BFI record