Category: Songs

Muggins went out on a motor car once
At motor-car work he was only a dunce.
Ran over a p'liceman and mangled a tyke,
But still kept going as flash as you like.
It's really believed he'd be going still
But, quite unexpected, he came to a hill.
And went flying down it in wonderful style
Was beating all records for over a mile.

Then all of a sudden he stopped,
All of a sudden he stopped.
He met a brick wall at the bottom, that's all!
Then all of a sudden he stopped.

A charity concert was given last week
And several friends were invited to speak.
One after another old ladies did spout,
On all sorts of things they knew nothing about.
Then up got a man with a voice like a horn,
Big things in his head, and his trousers in pawn.
For over an hour they allowed him to jaw,
Till he said, 'I'll now sing a song on the War!'

Then all of a sudden he stopped,
All of a sudden he stopped.
A brick from the rear caught him under the ear,
Then all of a sudden he stopped.

My brother Mike often whispered to me,
That something 'high up in the world' he would be.
So in for the steeplejack bus'ness he went,
'High up in the world' on a job he was sent.
A gale it sprang up and the poor chap was hurled
Clean out of his seat, and 'came down in the world.'
To those who stood watching and saw him descend,

Then all of a sudden he stopped,
All of a sudden he stopped.
He spun round and round, till he came to the ground,
Then all of a sudden he stopped.

Servant girls are - what they are is well known,
And our servant girl's got ideas of her own.
Smashing the crocks for a time was her boast,
Now sliding down bannisters pleases her most.
I caught her this morning - she didn't see me,
The way she enjoyed it was charming to see.
She slid down the bannisters, shouting, 'Hooray'
As quick as greased lightning, well, part of the way,

Then all of a sudden he stopped,
All of a sudden he stopped.
A little tin-tack chanced to lay in her track
Then all of a sudden he stopped.

 From Broadsheet held at National Library of Scotland
 
 Oh my father he kept the Eddystone light,
 And married a mermaid one fine night,
 Owing to which came offsprings three,
 Two of them was fish, and the other was me,
 Now when I was only a youngish chip,
 I was put in command of the Nore light ship,
 I could light all the lamps in a first-rate style,
 A game that I played according to ' oil.'
                           
 The jolly Nore, the stormy Nore,
 Where the waves they tumble o'er and o'er:
 But oh, what life is there on shore,
 Like the life that is led by the man at the Nore.
 
 One night when I was lighting the glim,
 A whistling a verse of the evening hymn,
 I saw by the light of the signal lamp,
 Mother looking awfully cold and damp ;
 When a voice from the starboard cries out "Ship, ahoy!"
 And there she was a floating on a buoy,
 Meaning a buoy for a ship that sails,
 And not that boy that's a juvenile male.
 
 So I says, hello, mother, how do you do,
 And how goes on my sisters two ?
 And she says, you artful dar,
 You not got no sisters, nor yet no pa ;
 Your pa was wrecked with several pals,
 And digested by the canni-bals.
 And your sisters—one was cooked in a dish,
 And the other one is the talking fish.
 
 So now farewell, my boy at the Nore,
 And don't you ever go on shore :
 She vanished from my sight a glittering scale,
 And that was the end of my mother's tale.
 So here I am by maternal wish,
 I can't see my sister, she's the talking fish,
 And if any of you should see her on shore.
 You can give her the love of the Man at the Nore. 


glim = slang term for a light (OED)

A popular, perhaps slightly surreal, music hall song in the repertoire of Arthur Lloyd in the 1860s and 70s, later adopted as a sea song, particularly in the USA. First printed references are in early in 1866, when “The Man at the Nore, Arthur Lloyd’s new song” appeared in a list of new music available to guinea subscribers of the publishers Cramer and Co (eg in The London Illustrated News, Feb 24, 1866).

The song is often credited to the writing of James London – a mysterious figure (to me at least) who doesn’t appear to have written any other songs in that period . One edition of the sheet music describes the song: as sung by Arthur Lloyd with rapturous applause, written by James London. James London is not mentioned in any of the newspaper ads, so it is perhaps possible Lloyd had a role in writing or composing it.

Lloyd’s repertoire included several nautical songs featuring mermaids – four of which have been taken up by traditional singers: this one, Down in a diving bell, Married to a Mermaid and Goodbye John.

The Man at the Nore has survived in several broadsheets in the UK, and has been collected from traditional singers in the USA. In the 1950s it recorded by The Weavers and Burl Ives. As far as I can see in America it tends to be called The Eddystone Light: references to the Nore disappear from the verses and it has a different chorus:

Yo ho ho, the wind blows free
Oh, for the life on the rolling sea

Cyril Tawney and other singers in Britain tend to sing it as The man at the Nore.

The Nore is a submerged sandbank at the mouth of the Thames Estuary and the site of the world’s first lightship, built in 1732. Part of the comedy of this song might have been derived from the fact that the singer was at perhaps a rather tame location when compared to the heroic Eddystone light off the stormy Cornwall coast?

As sung by Cyril Tawney:

From Thomas Hudson’s 5th Collection of Comic Songs
Tune "Head Man at Mrs Grundy's"

FROM noise and bustle far away, hard work my time employing.
How happy did I pass each day, content and health enjoying: .
The birds did sing, and so did I, as I trudg'd o'er each acre;
I never knew what 'twas to sigh, till I saw Betsey Baker.

At Church I met her dress'd so neat, one Sunday in hot weather.
With love I found my heart did beat as we sung psalms together;
So piously she hung her head, the while her yoice did shake, ah!
I thought if ever I did wed, 'twould be with Betsey Baker,

From her side I could not budge, and sure I thought no harm on't;
My elbow then she gave a nudge, and bade me mind the sarment;
When church was over out she walk'd, but I did overtake her.
Determined I would not be baulked, spoke to Betsey Baker

Her manners were genteel and cool, I found on conversation;
She'd just come home from boarding school, and finished her education;
But love made me speak out quite free : says I, I've many an acre,.
Will you give me your company? "I sha'nt," said Betsey Baker.

All my entreaties she did slight, and I was forc'd to leave her;
I got no sleep all that there night, for love had brought a fever;
The doctor came, he smelt his cane, with long face like a quaker; 
Said he, "Young man, pray where's thy pain?" says I, "Sir, Betsey Baker." 

Because I was not bad enough, be boluss'd and he pill'd me; 
And if I had taken all his stuff, I think be must ha' kill'd me;
I put an end to all the strife, 'twixt him and the Undertaker;
And what d'ye think 'twas saved my life? Why, thoughts of Betsey Baker.

I then again to Betsey went, once more with love attack'd her;
But meantime she got acquainted wi' a ramping mad play actor;
If she would have him, he did say a lady he would make her:
He gammon'd her to run away, and I lost Betsey Baker.

I fretted very much to find, my hopes of love so undone.
And mother thought 'twould ease my mind if I came up  to London;
But tho' I strive another way, my thoughts will ne'er forsake her;
I dream all night, and think all day of cruel Betsey Baker


bolus = a large spherical tablet
ramping mad = either very angry or very drunk
gammoned = hoaxed.

A song originally written and performed by Thomas Hudson (1791- 1844) a song-writer and performer active in the singing taverns and supper rooms that influenced the early Music Hall in London.  Hudson published his own songs – this one appeared in his fifth collection, published in 1824.

From monologues.co.uk
I'm Billy Bell, a costermonger as you sees
A-dealing in carrots, turnips, leeks, and cabbages
Cauliflower and broccoli, really may I say
I deals in heverything wot's in the vegetable way
And though I work so 'ard I likes me pleasure too
And once a year like other folks the nobby thing can do
For every Derby Day I dresses up so smart
And drives meself to Hepsom in me little donkey cart
Yus, I'm up wiv th' lark that mornin'
And up to all sorts of larks all day
It ain't no 'ardship for me t' get up early
I'm as wide awake then as at any other time
With the first of the vehicles you'll see me on the road.

Goin' to the Derby
Lookin' very smart
Doin' all the journey in me donkey cart
Passin' all the vehicles
Like a bloomin' dart
Goin' to the Derby in me little donkey cart.

And when I gets to Hepsom amongst the bustle there
I puts away me donkey what 'asn't turned a hair
Then I gets me luncheon, a chunk of bread and cheese
With a gallon jar of fourpenny, oh, at which you wouldn't sneeze
And while I sits enjoyin' me very 'umble fare
I sees the swells their shammy and their nobby things prepare
But they doesn't eat an' drink with a better 'eart
Than me wot goes to Hepsom in me little donkey cart
Ah then when I gets 'ome I give Billy 'is supper (That's me)
And Tommy a rub dahn (That's me donkey)
Tumbles into me virtuous couch
Up in the mornin' to work a-sellin' vegetables
And go there like a good 'un till the time comes round again
And every year if you look out for me you'll see me

Goin' to the Derby
Lookin' very smart
Doin' all the journey in me donkey cart
Passin' all the vehicles
Like a bloomin' dart
Goin' to the Derby in me little donkey cart.
 

From Feldman's Second Giant Budget of Copyright songs

I took it home to Maria
Sung by Frank Seeley
Words and music by Harry Wincott and Harry Leighton

I was going home late one morning, in the fog you see.
When a lady, without a warning, came and said to me,
“Hold my baby just for a tick while I pin up my dress?”
Well I took the little kid in my arms, I did, I must confess,
But to my surprise she ran away,
And left me with the kid, I say!
 
So I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one.
It was just the kid to admire but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the Baby she shouted “Look here Jack”
We've only been married a month or two so you'll have to take it back.” [twice]

My old woman she bought a bicycle for twenty bob.
And she tells me its nicey nicey when she’s on the job.
Passing by a ragshop today, I saw such a lovely pair 
Of bloomers hanging outside the shop,just fourpence I declare.
So I went and bought em quick you see,
And when they wrapped them up for me:
 
I took ‘em home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one.
They were just the pair to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she tried o get in ‘em she shouted 'Look here Jack,
I just can’t get ‘em over my knees at all so you'll have to take em back.”
[twice]

In our little backyard we've got a lovely chicken run, 
And my missus says "Oh what a shame we haven't one 
Fowl to put in the chicken house" When I heard her say that 
I prowled all over the neighbours yards just like an old tom cat 
Then I grab some rooster by its legs 
The champion for laying eggs

So I took ‘em home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one.
They were just the bird to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted that old hen she shouted 'Look here Jack,
If it don't lay bacon as well as eggs you'll have to take em back.”
[twice]
 
My wife being a farmer’s daughter won’t drink milk, oh no!
She declares its chalk and water, mixed up just like dough
So I went to a cattle show, and in the dairy there,
When they started to milk the cows, I had to stop and stare
Presently some man told me the tale,
Sold me an old cow and a pail

And so I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one 
It was just the cow to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the creature she shouted 'Look here Jack,
How can I milk it? This cow’s a bull, so you'll have to take it back.”
[twice]

People think that my face looks bonny, but my wife you know,
Says to me “Now why don’t you, Johnny, let your whiskers grow?”
Tho’ I’ve [rubbed hair restorer] o’er my chin and round my nose
Not a sign of hair has come a sprouting, Holy Mose
In barbershop today I saw
A lovely curly moustachios, oh lor!

And I took it home to Maria, ‘cos I hadn’t one 
It was just the thing to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted my whiskers, she shouted “Look here Jack,
If it doesn’t tickle me properly, you'll have to take it back.”
[twice]

Poor Maria like all the ladies, wants to ride a horse. 
But a clothes horse, I much afraid, is her one last resource. 
How can she ride up Rotten Row with the ladies grand, 
When I can’t afford a horse not even one second hand?
But a costermonger who was broke
For eighteen pence sold me his moke

And I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one 
It was just the moke to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the donkey she shouted 'Look here Jack,
You mustn’t bring your relations here, you'll have to take it back.”
[twice]

My wife tells me she wants a slavey in the house, I say!
She’s got tired making pie and gravy, and to day Hooray!
I met one, such a pretty dear, this morning in the park
Lovely eyes, golden hair, well there I’ll pass no more remark
For we had a chat on the strict QT
Then I said “You come along with me”

And I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one 
It was just the girl to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the slavey she shouted “Look here Jack,
Unless she’s going to sleep out at night, you'll have to take her back.”
[twice]



As sung by Charlie Hancy in the 1970s
Now as I was strolling out this morning, it was in the fog you see.
Oh, a lady, without any caution, she stopped and said to me,
'Will you hold my baby a half-a-tick while I pin up my dress?'
Well I took this kiddy in my arms, I did, I must confess,
And to my surprise she ran away,
And left me with the kid, I say!
 
Well I took it home to Maria because she wanted one.
It was just a kid to admire but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the baby she said 'Now look here Jack,
We've only been married a couple of months so you'll have to take it  back.'

Now the old girl bought me a bicycle for five-and-twenty bob.
She said she was never happy except when I was on my job.
While riding past a rag shop there,
I saw such a lovely pair of ladies bloomers hanging there, I did, I must declare.
Well I went and bought them quick you see,
And they wrapped them so neatly up for me.
 
Well I took them home to Maria because she wanted some.
They were just the pair to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the bloomers she said 'Now look here Jack,
They're split up to the front and down to the back so you'll have to take them back.'
 
Well my old girl say she wants a slavey for in the house today.
She said she was tired of making gravy, oh hip hip hip hoorah!
While walking round the park today I met a suffragette.
She had lovely eyes and lovely hair, oh lovely, didn't I stare.
I said, 'Will you have a walk with me,
I'll square you on the Q.U.l.T.'
 
Well I took her home to Maria because she wanted one.
She was just the girl to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the slavey, she said 'Now look here Jack,
Unless she's going to sleep out tonight you'll have to take her back.' 

As sung by Charlie Hancy

Now I once had a cat, 'twas a female cat,
And its christian name was Hannah.
It had a voice, a just sweet voice between a foghorn and a piano.
It used to go about the house meowing and a-hissing,
But strange to say, since yesterday our poor old cat's been missing.

But I've got a good idea where it's gone to:
There's a pork-pie shop close by,
And without the slightest doubt, I'm bound to find out,
I'll meet him when I go to buy a penny pie.

Now I had a watch, 'twas a splendid watch,
And the holes were filled with jewels.
It came in handy now and again for just to raise the wind on.
My wife she said, 'Oh Charlie dear, I'll take along someone to clean it.'
But strange to say that since that day, my watch I've never seen it.

But I've got a good idea where it's gone to:
Where there's three brass balls hang high.
She was running short of Scotch, and she politely pawned my watch,
Ten to one it will stop there 'til I die.

Now my ma-in-law with the excess of jaw,
For ten long years she's made me rough it,
But I'm glad to say that yesterday the old sod, she snuffed it.
Blew her nose and passed away just as the clock struck seven,
And on her coffin lid you'll see, my ma-in-law she's gone to heaven.

But I've got a good idea where she's gone to:
Down below she's hid away.
For on this earth she raised a storm, now she's gone where it is warm,
For I can hear her sing, tarara-bumpty-ay. 

A song written by the prolific CW Murphy and performed by the music hall comedian TB Fayme. I can only find two references to this song being sung in the music halls, both notices placed in The Era in the early 1890s:

From monologues.co.uk

Just like Sindbad the Sailor,
Or Robinson Crusoe,
I left, my native land, in search
Of wonders I would go;
I went out as a sailor,
I come back as you see,
A mixture of an Indian,
A Turk and Chimpanzee.

Jamsethee, ma jabajehoy,
Jabbery Dobie Porie,
Ikey, Pikey, Sikey, Crikey,
Chillingowullabadorie.

We'd been to sea a fortnight,
A dreadful storm arosed;
Upon an island I was thrown
To wind and rain exposed:
By savages surrounded,
It was their island home,
They addressed me in a language
Decidedly their own.

I expected from these savages,
Less peace than kicks and blows;
They'd a funny dress, in fact they'd not
A single stitch of clothes.
They tore my things, from off my back,
My hair from out the roots,
They left me with a waistcoat,
A hat and pair of boots.
 
When they'd got all my clothing,
Thinks I, what next they'll do;
They brought their paint and painted me,
With colours red and blue:
And so that was my costume;
A waistcoat for my clothes,
Striped red and blue, a hat and boots
And a ring stuck through my nose.
 
For five years in that costume,
I roamed about the land;
To a damsel of the Royal-blood,
They made me give my hand.
And there were great rejoicings
Upon the wedding day,
And we've got two pairs of black kids
My wife has taught to say.
 
One day a ship appeared in sight,
I'd scarce believe it true;
To reach the ship I stole a boat,
And paddled my own canoe.
But now I'm back in England,
The country I adore;
I'll take good care to stick to it;
And never leave it more.

From monologues.co.uk

Now, I'm deep in love, as I've oft been before
No girl, such a pearl, as the girl I adore
And she is a waitress at our luncheon-bar
Which as a French cafe 'tis known better far
She waits on the swells, who come in to enjoy
A 'sausage and mashed' or a cold 'saveloy'
There are bells on the table the swells have to ring
And Geraldine waits on the ting, ting, ting.

Ting, ting, that's how the bell goes
Ting, ting, a pretty young thing
If you'll be my wife, then I'll buy the ring
And have servants to wait on the ting, ting, ting.

One day, while dining off chicken and ham
I called her my darling, my own little lamb
I asked if she'd have me, and that sort of thing
And I very soon bought her the little gold ring
Three weeks after that, well I made her my wife
Then said I'd no money, no income for life
Then the fair little, rare little, sweet little thing
Said she'd go back and wait on the ting, ting, ting.

The day we got wed, 'twas the greatest of bliss
When we came from the church then I gave her a kiss
We went home and dined with my Mother-in-law
Who asked us to stay and take her second floor
We now live as happy as happy can be
My wife is my joy and no trouble to me
We have by our fireside a hand-bell to ring
And Ma-ma-in-law waits on the ting, ting, ting.

From Thomas Hudson's 5th Collection of Comic Songs (1824)

WHEN Dolly first I went to woo,
I felt so strong love's flame,
I meant to say, I loved her true,
But could not speak for shame.
And as I glances sly did steal,
My heart was beating strong;
The village bells struck up a peal,
Which sounded sweet ding ! dong !"

Ding, dong, &c. &c.

Three months in courtship passed away,
When I got her consent
To marry,--and I named the day,
And then to church we went;
So blest as then I ne'er did feel
As round our friends did throng,
We heard again the village peal,
Ring forth their sweet "ding ! dong!"

What people call the Honey Moon,
Had scarcely pass'd-oh dear!
A very different sort of tune
Came jingling in my ear.
Each morning, noon, and night did bring
A peal so loud and strong,
And sure as ever I said, “Ding!”
She always answer'd, “Dong!"

This discord lasted many a day,
But now we (wiser grown)
Have bit upon a better way,
And quarrels are not known.
We found out jarring was absurd,
With married folks quite wrong ;
And now we bless the day we heard
The village bells "ding, dong."

Taken from sheet music on ArthurLloyd.co.uk

I'm all the way frae Lancashire 
In search o' Betsy Gray; 
Who left her native country just 
A twelve month yesterday. 
Since she's been gone I've had no rest, 
Either night or day: 
And I feel so bewildered now 
I don't know what I say

I fancy I can see her now, 
Down at Farmer Fen's, 
Pickin' up the new laid eggs frae the cow, 
And milking the cocks and hens.

I've had one fight since I've been here, 
I knocked a fellow flat; 
Because he roared right in my ear, 
"I say, I'll have your hat"
This hat my Betsy gave to me, 
And said in voice so sweet; 
You wear this for my sake dear Joe, 
As she placed it on my feet.

[Spoken] My head I mean, I'm thinking so much of her I don't know what I say… Chorus

The lovely bread she used to bake, 
The scones and pancakes too; 
And Everton toffy she could make 
As sticky and thick as glue. 
I'd back her too agin the world 
Liver and bacon to fry, 
When I think of the watery taters too
The steam comes from my eye.

[Spoken] I mean when I think of the steaming taters the water comes from my eye! Darned if I know what I'm sayin', thinking o' that lass ...Chorus

I bought her once a splendid dress, 
That cost me many a groat; 
To show you that she loved me, now, 
I'll tell a nanny goat [anecdote] 
She saved a great lump of her dress, 
This is a truth I vow: 
And made me this fine waistcoat 
That you see me wearing now.

[spoken] Look at that! – There's a fit! – the Prince of Wales' tailor couldn't make it better nor that – no fear o' it splittin' plenty of room to grow! Ah! She wor a good lass she'd anythin' I'd tell without me kickin' her. She wor daily maid wi' Farmer Fen, I used to work at plough - Then we used to romp when work wor done I used to pinch her arm as hard as I could until she cried. And then she used to hit me on the head with a spade – what fun we had… Chorus

It's no use me a-standin' here, 
I'm wastin' all my time; 
But to meet my Bet again, 
The highest mountains I would climb, 
if I can't see nowt on her here, 
Frae Lunnon I'll retire; 
And weeping for my Betsy Gray, 
Go back tae Lancashire