My wife is on a diet

From Sheet Music

What’s the greatest problem now throughout the land?
What’s the only problem needs a helping hand?
It isn’t unemployment (Philip Snowden), or tax relief I find
It’s something more important now on everybody’s mind
Just walk into any home today
It’s ten to one you’ll hear each husband say

My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
Home isn’t home any more
No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes
Where are the pies I adore
Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a disgrace
I’m ashamed to look a grapefruit straight in the face
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
I’m losing a pound every day

Monday, grapefruit, breakfast and for dinner
And at night some orange juice
Tuesday, grapefruit, boys I growing thinner
All my clothes are getting loose
Wednesday, Thursday, I feel satisfied
Then I change to coffee, with grapefruit on the side
Friday till Sunday is more than I can stand
Before the eighteenth day I’ll have a lily in my hand

Since wifie's on a diet, I mustn't mention "fry it"
Wifie will only get mad
it used to be a blessing
to eat delicatessen
Tell me who started this fad?
Crabs and shrimps must leave alone;
I'm the only lobster she'll allow in my home
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
She’s gaining a pound every day

[Musical Break]
Oh, oh, oh, she’s driving me wild
One look at her onions and I cry like a child.