My wife is on a diet

AKA
First Published 1929
Writer/composer Charles Tobias and George J Bennett Roud RN29793

Music Hall Performers Lesley Sarony
Folk performances Collected from the singing of:
Bental, Brenda; England; 1970		 

From Sheet Music

What’s the greatest problem now throughout the land?
What’s the only problem needs a helping hand?
It isn’t unemployment (Philip Snowden), or tax relief I find
It’s something more important now on everybody’s mind
Just walk into any home today
It’s ten to one you’ll hear each husband say

My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
Home isn’t home any more
No gravy and potatoes, just lettuce and tomatoes
Where are the pies I adore
Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a disgrace
I’m ashamed to look a grapefruit straight in the face
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
I’m losing a pound every day

Monday, grapefruit, breakfast and for dinner
And at night some orange juice
Tuesday, grapefruit, boys I growing thinner
All my clothes are getting loose
Wednesday, Thursday, I feel satisfied
Then I change to coffee, with grapefruit on the side
Friday till Sunday is more than I can stand
Before the eighteenth day I’ll have a lily in my hand

Since wifie's on a diet, I mustn't mention "fry it"
Wifie will only get mad
it used to be a blessing
to eat delicatessen
Tell me who started this fad?
Crabs and shrimps must leave alone;
I'm the only lobster she'll allow in my home
My wife is on a diet, and since she’s on a diet
She’s gaining a pound every day

[Musical Break]
Oh, oh, oh, she’s driving me wild
One look at her onions and I cry like a child.

An American song sung in the Halls and on British radio in the late 1920s by Lesley Sarony. The music reflects the popularity of dance bands and American jazz, both arguably factors in the decline of the Halls. In America it was perhaps best known as an Eddie Cantor song, but it was also sung by Wilf Carter, Harry Hudson, Billy Murray, Walter Scanlon and later by Tommy Handley.

It was collected by Roy Palmer from the singing of Brenda Bentall in 1970, but here are a number of versions!

Sources: