Collected from the singing of: Vickers, Emma; England : Lancashire; 1950s/60s
Hush! What do you think? I'm as scared as a mouse
The people say we've got a ghost in the house
I made up my mind I would settle that ghost
So armed with a flat-iron, I took up my post
At a minute to seven last night
I had a most terrible shock
At a minute to seven last night
It was close upon seven o' clock
I once bought a horse and it did make me grin
He was a fine horse, but he looked a bit thin
I said to the horse-dealer, 'Send him tonight
Round to my house' And he answered, 'Alright'
But what if there's nobody in?
To bring it back would be a bore'
He said, 'What if there's nobody in?'
I said, 'Push it under the door'
I once went to law with the man next to me
I was bitten one day by his dog, don't you see
He took a piece out of me, where I can't say
The Judge looked at me in a kind-hearted way
And said, 'Has this dog bit you before?'
He really was thoughtful and kind
He said, 'Has the dog bit you before?'
I said, 'No Sir, he's bit me behind'
The wife had some lobster for supper last night
And dreamt about harems and Turkish delight
Said she, 'It was horrible!' there on her knee
Were six girls, who took her the Sultan to be.
And they tickled her here and then there
Said she, 'I was horrified quite'
They tickled her here and then there
I'm having some lobster tonight.
A ticket inspector I once used to be
Upon the South Eastern, you may have seen me
One day a young lady said, 'I'm full of woe
I've swallowed my ticket though how I don't know.
I said, 'I can't help that, my dear
I've got to attend to my 'biz'
I said, 'I can't help that, my dear
I must punch it wherever it is.
When Adam met Eve it is rumoured that she
Had on her new Whitsuntide clothes, so had he
'Have we met before?' to the maiden he cried
Said she, 'Not till now sir, but still' she replied,
'We'll see more of each other, I hope'
As to twinkle her eye she began
'We'll see more of each other, I hope'
Said he, 'I don't see how we can.'
Once as a postman I tried for a berth
The Postmaster said, 'Well, let's see what you're worth.'
I answered his questions, well, all except one
Which was, 'How far is it from the earth to the sun?'
How far from the earth to the sun!
I fainted and fell to the ground
How far from the earth to the sun!
I said, 'Put someone else on that round.'
Last Christmas Eve, at a Ball I went to
I was dancing a waltz, and had nearly got through
When a fellow came up with a long solemn face
Said he, 'Come away, sir, from this awful place.
'To the devil you're dancing, my boy
This dancing is life's greatest curse
To the devil you're dancing, my boy.'
I said, 'Never mind, I can reverse.'
A song written by Worton David, composed and perfomed by Sam Mayo. I have been unable to find online versions of the sheet music. It was recorded by the Edison company both by Mayo and Fred Owen.
Fred Hamer collected it from the singing of Emma Vickers in the 1950s/60s.
Collected from the singing of: Gage, Rex; England : Suffolk; 1964 Jarvis, Walter; England : Essex; 1964
I'M GOING TO SING A SONG
I'm going to sing a song to you this evening
I've been a lovely singer since my birth
When you hear my pretty notes a-ringing
You'll say I have the finest voice on earth
Before the King I once appeared
When I sang he loudly cheered.
He sent for me, and said, 'You are a marvel
At singing you have really got the knack.'
Then from his tie he took a diamond scarf-pin
And smiled at me, and then he put it back.
Pat at carrying bricks worked like a negro
I've never seen a chap work so before
Said I to him, 'Why do you work so hard, Pat?
You seem to do the work of three or four.'
Said he, 'My boy, you've touched the spot
You think I'm working but I'm not.'
Said he, 'While I keep running up this ladder
With bricks upon my head, the dodge is fine
The boss, the silly ass, he thinks I'm working
But I'm carrying up the same bricks all the time.'
The folks next door to us are fond of joking
They're always trying to play some joke on me
To summons them in Court was my intention
If I could get some evidence, you see
On our garden seat they placed a nail
My wife sat on it, and turned pale.
She jumped about and shouted, 'Pull it out, dear'
But I said, 'Leave it there, that's simply great
I'll go and get a summons in the morning
We've something now to show the magistrate.
My Uncle brought a donkey home last Tuesday
And as a special favour said to me
That if I'd pay him half of what it cost him
That donkey I could share with him, you see
I must have been clean off my head
For when he got my oof he said,
'Of course you pay for all the food to keep him.'
I said, 'Your meaning I do not comprehend
As your half is the first half, you must keep him
He doesn't want no feeding at my end.'
Double Dimple Daisy was a widow
And by her husband's grave one night she sat
They told her that if she waited there till midnight
Her husband would appear, the silly flat
But poor dear Daisy, I declare
Sat on a bunch of nettles there.
And when those nettles her began a-tickling
To keep a solemn face she did contrive
At last she cried, 'Oh, Charlie, do give over
Your're just the same as when you were alive.'
Another comic Music Hall song popular in the 1900s that was remembered by traditional singers in the pubs of southern England in the 1960s – it appears on Neil Lanham’s excellent Comic Songs of the Stour Valley, sung both by Rex Gage and Walter Jarvis.
It was written by Worton David and FV St Clair, both separately very successful songwriters. It was a hit for Sam Mayo
Sam Mayo sings a snatch of it at the beginning of this medley – a rare instance where we have a performance on film!
This song reflects racist, misogynist and colonial ideas that were commonplace at the time but are no longer acceptable today.
AKA
You’re not dead yet
First Published
1901
Writer/composer
FV St Clair
Roud
RN24213
Music Hall Performers
FV St Clair, Harriett Vernon
Folk performances
Collected from the singing of: Costello, Cecilia; England : Warwickshire; 1967
As reproduced in Songs and Music of the Redcoats (1970)
In former days the British race
Was proud of heroes true.
The more you toiled for England then,
The more she honoured you.
Today a famous soldier who
Has served us long and well
Is told to go – for what? We ask.
For what we cannot tell.
Cheer up, Buller, my lad,
Don’t say die.
We'll know the reason why,
To slight you some would try.
You've done your best for England,
And England won’t forget.
So cheer up, Buller, my lad,
You’re not dead yet.
For forty years he proved himself
A soldier and a man.
The fame of Buller was, and is,
And shall be in the van.
When future generations read
About our heroes true,
They will admit that Buller had
The hardest work to do.
Let us remember all his past,
Just think what he has done.
Must we condemn the hero who
The Cross of Valour won?
Although he may have made mistakes,
On Honours scroll we shall,
Find Buller's Name – and written 'neath,
"This Soldier Saved Natal!"
A Music Hall song from the time of the Anglo-Boer War (1899-1902) usually referred to in the UK as the Boer War – a particularly nasty conflict in which Britain fought the former Dutch settlers for control of two southern African states. Sir Redvers Buller was the British general first put in charge of the British forces. Under his command British troops suffered a series of disastrous defeats in the early months of the war and Buller was replaced. Despite this Buller was apparently still held in some affection by his men and arguably this was reflected in this song popular amongst the troops.
It was written and performed by FV St Clair who specialised in songs lauding the British Empire and its troops.
In the late 1960s it was recorded from the singing of Cecilia Costello, who had a huge repertoire of what she called “old-fashioned songs”. The recording can be accessed at the Vaughan Williams Memorial library website. Her complete recordings are collected on a Mustrad release.
Collected from the singing of: King, Henry; England ; Hampshire; 1906 Modern performances
From Thomas Hudson's 7th Collection of Comic Songs (1826)
"A tale-bearer revealeth secrets; but he that is of a faithful spirit concealetb the matter" Proverbs of Solomon.
What a shocking world this is for scandal
The people get worse every day;
Every thing serves for a handle
To take folks good name away.
In backbiting vile each so labours.'
The sad faults of others to show body;
I could tell enough of my neighbours,
But I never says nothing to nobody.
'Tis a snug little house I reside in,
And the people who're living next door.,
Are smother'd completely such pride in
As I never met with before:
But outside the door they don't roam,
A large sum of money they owe body ;
Folks call, but can't. find them at home -
I never says nothing to nobody.
The butcher, so greasy and fat
When out, he does nothing but boast;
Struts as he cocks on his hat,
As if he supreme ruled the roost :
Talks of his wealth and his riches,
Consequence always does show body;
His ugly old wife wife weas the breeches,
But I never says nothing to nobody.
The baker lives quite in great style,
His wife is, oh! Lord, such a fright;
New dresses she's got a great pile,
They sleep out of town every night.
Country cottage, completely in state.
Determined not to be a low body ;
He's been pull'd up three times for short weight.
But I never says nothing to nobody.
The publican, thriving in trade,
With sorrow is now looking down;
His sweet little pretty bar-maid
Has a little one just brought to town.
He's not to be seen much about,
His wife is a deuce of shrew body;
The beadles are on the look out.
But I never says nothing to nobody.
A Methodist parson of fame,
I see very often go by;
His heart is fill'd full of love's flame,
He visits a girl on the sly.
Altho' this daily I see,
And surely he's but a so so body;
Of course, as 'tis nothing to me,
I never says nothing to nobody.
The new married couple, so happy,
Seem both the quintessence of love;
He calls her, before every sappy.
My darling, my duck, and my dove.
In private there's nothing but strife,
Quarrelling, fighting o'erflow body;
In short, quite a cat and dog life.
But I never says nothing to nobody.
I could tell, if I lik'd, such a tale
Of neighbours all round great and small;
That surely I think, without fail.,
Would really astonish you all.
But here now my short ditty ends,
J don't want to hurt high or low body;
I wish to keep in with my friends.
So I never says nothing to nobody!
A popular comic song from the 1820s and 30s, written by Thomas Hudson and and performed by him in the singing taverns and supper clubs that influenced early Music Hall. Hudson published his songs in 13 collections between 1818 and 1832.
It was widely printed in songbooks and song sheets throughout the 19th century and was collected in 1906 from the singing of Henry King in Hampshire by George Gardiner.
Florrie Forde, Charles Bignell, Shaun Glenville, Harrison Latimer
Folk performances
Appears in Alfred Zelman’s collection of Digger Songs (Australia)
Taken from original sheet music at the National Library of Australia
Mister Pat Malone upon the continong,
Was fighting with the Irish fusiliers.
One night in the camp he rose to sing a song,
And all the Tommies greeted him with cheers.
Said Pat: "I'll sing a song about our gallant fighting men.
Although we've had a tussle with the Germans now and then.
Are we down-hearted? NO!
Then let your voices ring
And all together sing.
Are we down-hearted? NO!
Not while Britannia rules the waves. (Not likely!)
While we have Jack upon the sea,
And Tommy on the land, we needn't fret.
It's a long, long way to Tipperary,
But we're not down-hearted yet!
With a Frenchy girl Pat toddled out one night,
And arm in arm they strolled, you may depend,
Till a dozen palls all sang out with delight:
"Hello! Hello there! Who's your lady friend?"
Said Patrick, "I don't know her name, but listen here old pal,
If this is what they give us with the Entente Cordiale.
Before I leave the stage a word I'd like to say,
To ev'ry British son and daughter here.
Reverses we must have; we can't win all the way,
But while we've Jack and Tommy, never fear.
Don't listen to the rumours that Germans spread about.
When people try to scare you, do the same as me and shout.
This is one of a number of First World War songs based on the slogan: Are we Downhearted? No! As John Mullen points out in his exploration of popular song in Britain during the First World War, there was a real tension between trying to boost morale and recognising that the war didn’t always appear to be going particularly well. There are at least two other songs of same name, but this one seems to have been the most successful. It seems to have reached the height of its popularity after the disastrous Dardanelles campaign in 1915. It was particularly associated with the performer Florrie Forde but was also sung by Charles Bignell and other artistes.
A contemporary recording by Harrison Latimer – desperate stuff…
Collected as a rugby song and from the armed forces
This page quotes lyrics which contain offensive language, reflecting attitudes common in the period when this song was performed.
Transcribed from Windyridge recording
Sambo, he's a lazy coon
Can't work in the afternoon
Too warm, you see
Right off to the woods he'll creep
Goes there for a real good sleep
Under the tree
Soon as he shuts his eyes
'Long comes a mighty noise
Buzzzzzz
He gets up and then says he
'Gee Wizz! Is that you bee?'
Buzzzzzzz
No use you buzzing round
I guess you've think you've found
A new bloom - you're wrong!
So just you go along
You behave in a most ridiculous way
You've got no sense or else
You'd mind me when I say:
Go 'way, good Massa bee I ain't no Rose
This am no dainty flower only my nose
[Resist] my nasal organ don't you come near
If you want honey, got away sonny
You won't find any honey here
x2
Go ‘way, good Massa bee was advertised at the time as a “coon song”, a type of song popular in the English speaking world in the late 19th and early 20th century. It was considered acceptable to draw humour from stereotypes of people of African origin, in this case portraying them as lazy and stupid. Eugene Genovese, in his seminal history of American slavery, argued that work avoidance was a form of resistance of the enslaved, and in turn stereotyping slaves as lazy helped to justify the extreme violence slaveholders often used to force them to work.
The song was performed in the Halls by comedian Ben Albert. It seems to have quite quickly become popular amongst soldiers and in the 20th century the folk process has seen its original racism supplemented with some equally unpleasant sexual innuendo. It has been collected as a bawdy song associated with rugby and the armed forces.
Ben Albert (1876-1925), was a comic from Ulster whose real name was Albert Bailey Sibley. Known for his dry sense of humour, he was often billed as The Dry Old Stick. He seems to rate only a passing mention in standard histories of the Halls, but Kilgarriff describes him as:
a popular Music Hall grotesque, his repertoire included On The Day King Edward Gets His Crown On, the first verse of which runs as follows:
The lodger’s going to get blind drunk as soon as day begins, Sister’s wearing bloomers fixed up with safety pins, To celebrate the great event mother will have twins, On the day King Edward gets his crown on
None of Mr Albert’s other songs were half so memorable.
Michael Kilgaroff: Grace Beauty and Banjos p20
Despite being dismissed as a minor figure in the Halls, he recorded a wide range of comic songs which you can explore on a compilation from the excellent Windyridge CDs
Collected from the singing of: Dowdy, Douglas ; England : Hampshire; 1982
From song sheet held in Bodleian LibraryHERE'S TO PRIVATE TOMMY ATKINS
Parody written by FV St Clair
You can fetch him from the "Grapes" or "Barley Mow"
You can fill him with condensed milk and tea,
You can swear his whiskers never more will grow,
Till he goes to fight across the angry sea.
He may have been a bold Militia man,
He may have fought with Sullivan and Mace,
But before he'll cross the ocean, he will fill himself with lotion.
And then a "barrel" organ he would face.
Oh Tommy, Tommy Atkins You are a Demon for the fray, When the Duke of Cambridge with his umbrella's far away. When the bugle sounds for dinner You are to the front I'm sure; Here's good luck to Tommy Atkins, How he loves the cookhouse door
I once met Tommy Atkins far away,
O'er the plains of Egypt, marching to the strains
Of a Jews harp and a whistle all the day,
And the tune they played was "Do please close the drains"
I have met him at the "Bug and Glue Pot Inn"
With a pot of "four 'alt" and a long clay pipe;
I have seen in push a bottle down his very thirsty throttle,
When he's made supper off a piece of tripe
Oh Tommy, Tommy Atkins You're as hot as hot can be, But I'm sure you're only failings Beer or rum instead of tea. May your nose be never redder When your pay each week you "blue" "May you never die for England Till your countries dead to you"
I have seen him when he's out upon the mash,
Then Tommy Atkins face is full of smiles,
And he loves to cut a regular perfect dash,
He's as bad as any Tom Cat on the tiles.
But when England is in danger you can bet,
In the van your find our Tommy brave and bold,
All danger he is sharing, but when Scotch kilts he's wearing,
The girls say "Tommy Atkin's legs are cold"
Oh Tommy, Tommy Atkins, You go rambling round the town, Winking slyly at the ladies, While the chappies at you frown. Tho' your chest is often padded, And your moustache thick with glue, "Still you'll do more for your country, Than she'll ever do for you."
When Kipling published his poem “Tommy” in 1890 it sparked a wave of imitations. This song seems to be a parody of one of those imitations: the very successful and rather pompous Private Tommy Atkins made famous by Charles Arnold and Hayden Coffin. The lyrics of the two songs have a very similar structure and this one could be sung to the tune of the other. (If you follow the link for Private Tommy Atkins a number of songs of this type are listed). Its somewhat ironic that FV St Clair should sing such a parody, as he sang some pretty pompous nationalistic songs himself! He wrote and performed a great many martial numbers, here’s a sample of some titles: Kitchener! Gone but not forgotten (1916) Follow the Drum (1914) and earlier Gladstone is Captain of the Ship John Bull (1881).
The song has been found in one source, R. March’s Song BookNo 117 held in the Bodleian Library. The song book contains a number of Music Hall songs, and from these its likely that it was published in the late 1890s, not between 1877 and 1884 as suggested by the Bodleian. In 1982 Steve Roud collected a song from George Dowdy with first line “Tommy Atkins is a Demon for the fray” – as this is very close the first line of the chorus of this song, I would tentatively suggest it’s most likely to be this one rather than any of the other songs about Tommy Atkins .
Find the military man who’s really worthy of the name
First Published
1906
Writer/composer
FW Leigh / Kenneth Lyle
Roud
RNV26370
Music Hall Performers
Vesta Tilley
Folk performances
none?
Find the military man who's really worthy of the name
He's never behind hand when duty's to be done
He's the fellow you can trust to try
And win the game whatever the prize waiting to be won
By Jingo don't the girls know that as well as I
do? Isn't the fact made plain every day
When you see them strolling by a soldiers side
Who could ever be more proud than they?
Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldier
Girls - have you been there?
You know we military men
Always do our duty everywhere
Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldier
Real good boys are we
Girls - if you'd like to love a soldier you can all love me.
Don't you think I'm a hero from the wars, because I'm not
But nevertheless I've faced powder don't you see
I've been in some engagements, too,
And some were duced hot, for one of the girls, nearly captured me
Great Scott! When I reflect how nearly I was done
For. well I could call myself horrible names
It would have been most unfair to marry one
For some other girl had equal claims.
Girls, I want to advise you will you please attend to me?
When choosing a sweetheart, pray choose the proper sort
Don't you have anything to do?
With men who sail the sea, they're regular flirts! Wives in every port
You'll never find a soldier act in such a way
I think to be hard on him's nothing but cheek
Perhaps you won't believe what I'm about to say
I was true to one girl all last week.
Vesta Tilley sang this one dressed as a soldier and directed the words to the young women in her audience. Like many performers in the halls, she enthusiastically supported World War I, sometimes in ways that feel uncomfortable today. During the war she was often referred to as “Britain’s best recruiting sergeant” and legend has it that at one performance so many young men signed up that they talked forming a “Vesta Tilley Brigade”. The lyrics were written by the prolific Fred W Leigh.
At the centenary of the war, Bella Hardy recorded an introspective response to the original, check it out below…
Rememberedfrom the singing of Alice Kane’s father, early 20th century
When I was in the army
I was a cavalryman you know
And whenever I went on parade
A magnificent picture I made
Through my galloping here
And my galloping there
This ridiculous habit I got
And I'm hanged if I don't think I'm galloping now
Whether up in the saddle or not
And the people they stare at me so
For it matters not where I go, It's
Bumpety, bumpety, bumpety, bump as if I was riding my charger
Bumpety, bumpety, bumpety, bump as proud as an Indian Rajah
All the girls declare that I'm a gay old stager
Hey, hey, clear the way here comes the galloping major.
Last year I thought I'd treat myself
To a holiday by the sea
So I went, and my quarters I fixed
Then I found that the bathing was mixed
So I galloped away to a bathing machine
In the busiest part of the day
And I soon felt at home with the girls in the water
And joined in their frivolous play
They were beautiful creatures but lor'
How they giggled as soon as they saw, me
I always was a ladies man
And a favourite with the sex
Well, I called upon one Yesterday
Though I won't give the lady away
She started to talk of my army career
And was quite interested you see
But I got rather tired so we talked about her
Which was more interesting to me
And she said I'd been taking some wine
For as soon as we sat down to dine, I went,
A big hit in the 1900s for George Bastow who, as well as singing in the character of a comedy “country bumpkin”, sang a number of songs which satirised the officer class. The Galloping Major has been revived many times. In the 1950/60s it featured in the repertoire of both by Flanagan and Allen and Stanley Holloway. In 1951 it featured in a British comedy film of same name. Folklorist Alice Kane in her Songs & Sayings of an Ulster Childhood remembered her father singing this song.
When I was eight days old, my boys,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
When I was eight days old, my boys,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
The rabbi came with a big sharp knife,
And I surely thought he would take my life,
But all he took was a little bit off the top.
Oh, that is what they call a bris,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
Oh, that is what they call a bris,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
And if the rabbi doesn't miss,
It makes for a more interesting piss,
But all he took was a little bit off the top.
The rabbi, he is called a moyl,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
The rabbi, he is called a moyl,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
And over me he sure did toil,
If he'd cut off more, I'd have been a goil,
But all he took was a little bit off the top.
Oh, circumcision is all right,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
Oh, circumcision is all right,
Hurrah, Hurrah,
But every morning and every night,
You aim to the left, and pee to the right,
But all he took was a little bit off the top.
A parody of the Music Hall song of the same name, discussed here. It was published in Jerry Silverman’s The Dirty Song Book. Like the chorus of the Music Hall song of the same name, the tune is the one most commonly known as When Johnny comes marching home . It may well have featured in college fraternity singing in the USA.
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