Category: Folksongs from halls

[From Beadle's half-dime singer's library; no. 11]

When I Took Our Nance to Church!
Published by E. H. Harding, 229 Bowery, N.Y. Music and words, 10 cents.

I'm a jolly squire well known down here, and I hail from Devonshire,
And a happy life with Nance my wife, I live from year to year; 
And as we sit by the fireside and children round us play,
It makes me think of days gone by, and about our wedding day.

The bulls did dance, the cows did prance, the pigs all grunted in the sty,
The dogs did bark, the pretty little lark sung merrily in the sky; 
The cocks did crow to let folks know, the hens all cackl'd on the perch,
And the ducks and drake such a row did make. when I took our Nance to church.

Nance was a farmer's daughter, we met, 'twas on the green
She was dancing round the May-pole and call'd the Village Queen; 
She consented I might see her home, as I took her pretty arm, 
And made love to her all the way until I reach'd the farm. 

I remember one fine moonlight night as we stood by the old farm gate,
I kiss'd our Nance's rosy cheek and said, "I'll know my fate;" 
I met the farmer going home and told him what I meant,
He said, " Well, squire, with all my heart, to your marriage I'll consent." 

The pretty birds did gayly sing, 'twas on a summer's day,
And the wedding-bells did merrily ring as to church we both did stray,
The lads and lasses round the church they quickly did advance, 
And wished long life and happiness to me and to our Nance.  

On my honour, Katie Connor is the nicest girl you’ll meet
I dote on her, I’m a goner, she’s just nice enough to eat
Near the water, I first caught her in a little fishing town
But just lately she’s turned stately, and my brain’s turned upside down

Sweet Katie Connor, I dote upon her
Kate, Kate, as sure as fate, you’ll have to marry me
Or else I have a notion, of diving in the ocean
And mashing all the mermaids at the bottom of the sea.

When she’s colder, I have told her how the mermaids long for me
How they’ve blessed me and caressed me when I’ve bathed in open sea
She cries “Oh dear, you can go dear, to your mermaids straight away”
Snaps her fingers, yet she lingers long enough to hear me say.

Sweet Katie Connor, I dote upon her
Kate, Kate, as sure as fate, you’ll have to marry me
Or else I have a notion, of diving in the ocean
And mashing all the mermaids at the bottom of the sea.

Then we parted, then I started for the mighty ocean’s brink
Kate looked squeamy, she could see me take a brick to make me sink
Near the water, she bethought her “Jack“ she cried; said I “Too late”
“Jack, my jewel, don’t be cruel; come back, Jack, and marry Kate!”

Sweet Katie Connor, I dote upon her
Kate, Kate, as sure as fate, is going to marry me
So now I have no notion, of diving in the ocean
Or mashing scaly mermaids at the bottom of the sea.

Keep your seats, if you please, and don't be afraid
I'm only a ghost, a poor harmless shade
I would not hurt anyone here if I could
And you couldn't do me much harm if you would
Knives will not stab me, and shots through me fly
But oh the experiment, please do not try
It's not for myself that I care, not at all
I'm only afraid you might damage the wall.

I'm the ghost of John James Christopher Benjamin Binns
I was cut right down in the midst of my sins
For my home is down below. I'm let out for an hour or so
When the cock begins to crow. Farewell Benjamin Binns.

When I lived on this earth, my wife often said
If I should die first, she'd never get wed
Tonight I called on her, through the keyhole I crept
If ghosts could have tears, I'm sure I'd have wept
A man held my wife in his tender embrace
She called him her hubby, he'd taken my place
To make matters worse, and to crown all my woes
The fellow was wearing my best Sunday clothes.

I'll try to forget my false-hearted wife
And give you a plan of my present life
I get good engagements, with cash in advance
Attending the spiritualist's midnight séance
I rap on the tables and kick up such scenes
I ring clanging bells and I bang tambourines
If Maskelyne says 'Ghosts are bosh' he is wrong
For if he comes near me, he'll smell spirits quite strong.

One day I saw two lovers in a garden
A little lad and lass with golden hair
They looked as sweet as honey in a beehive
And so I stood and watched the youthful pair
The lad, all blushing, gave the maid a kiss
Then tenderly he whispered this,

I'll be you sweetheart, if you will be mine
All my life, I'll be your Valentine
Bluebells I've gathered, keep them and be true
When I'm a man my plan will be to marry you.

The bluebells were accepted by the maiden
She said, “I'll keep them safely all my life
But then suppose you meet some other lady
And I should never be your darling wife?”
He shook his head and took another kiss
Then once again he whispered this,

The years flew by and once again I saw them
They stood before the alter hand in hand
A handsome pair I never shall forget them
The happiest young couple in the land
Then once again he took the loving kiss
Then passionately whispered this,

Young Michael McGee loved Miss Molly Malone,
And longed for the time when he'd call her his own;
All sorts of excuses to see her he'd make,
As he hung 'round the house every day.
One evening he tapped at the door - and his love
Sweet Molly looked out from the window above,
Said she, "Go away! Sure in trouble I'll get!"
But he answered, "I'll not go away!"

"Is your mother in, Molly Malone?"
Molly sighed, "She's out!"
"Is your father in, Molly Malone?"
Molly cried, "He's out!"
"Then can I come in by the fireside,
And sit there along with you?"
But she said with a smile, "Oh you'll wait for a while,
For the fire's out, too!"

When an Irishman worships a pair of bright eyes,
To get at them, sure, he'll tell all sorts of lies!
"A faint heart it never won fair lady yet,"
And that old saying young Michael knew.
So he stood there and argued for quite a long while,
And Molly said, "Please go away with your guile!"
"Och! Why do you worry me so?" he replied,
"It's your mother I'm wantin', not you!"

Young Michael looked up, as he scratched his 'old poll,' 
And said, "Troth I'm in trouble, I am, 'pon my soul!
If your parents are out now, and I can't come in,
By the piper, sure, I'm out as well!
For I've recently purchased a neat golden ring,
For your left hand's third finger it's just the right thing!"
Said Molly, "Sure, tho' they're all out, I'm at home —
So you needn't stand down there and yell —

I'm feeling so funny, all over the same
I'm in love, I'm in love
It's all through a boy, and I don't know his name
I'm in love, I'm in love
I looked at him mushy like, that let him loose
The he said to me, 'I do like you'
I giggled and then I said, You are a goose.'
He said, 'Yes, and I feel goosey too.'

I'm in love, I'm in love
You can tell by the look in my eye
I'm in love, I'm in love
Oh it's nice to be kissed on the sly
Don't know why, I feel fine
It's divine when you stroll with the moon up above
Oh, It's lovely to tease, and It's lovely to squeeze
Oh, It's lovely to be in love.

We went for a walk and I said to myself
I'm in love, I'm in love
So now I don't want to be left on the shelf
I'm in love, I'm in love
We came to a stile and we sat on the top
Then I smiled and he smiled me a smile
He kissed me and something inside me went pop
I kissed him and fell off the stile.

It's nice to sit down when you're nintey-four, 
Down by the kitchen fire,
And think o' the times you used to have, 
And the girls that you admire.
But a farmer's life's a healthy life, 
I feel as good as new,
And I'll bet a bob you'll be surpris'd 
at what I'll tell to you.

 
I'm ninety-four this mornin', 
Aye, I'm ninety-four today.
I'm not so young as I used to be, 
I'm gettin' old and grey.
But my heart is young, and I'm fond of fun, 
And I'm very proud to say
That I'm gettin' married on Thursday 
Tho' I'm ninety-four today.

Of course down in the village 
It will be a big surprise,
The people think it's all a joke, 
That the minister's telling lies.
Oh! But we will get the laugh at them, 
As sure as I'm alive,
For there'll maybe be a christ'ning yet 
Before I'm ninety-five.

[SPOKEN]
Aye, ninety-four this mornin' at twenty-six minutes past four. Aye, and I'm feeling as well and as fit as ever I was in all my days. And I'm gettin' married again. You know there's a lot of people surprised at me gettin' married again, and goin' in for this "Blue Lagoon" business at my time of life. 

But I don't see anything to laugh at. A farmer's life's a very healthy life, you know. I consider that a man that's lived on a farm all his life, he's as good a man at ninety as a man that's lived in the city at forty. There's not much temptation in a wee sleepy village like this, you know. And mind ye, I'm expecting a lot of presents, cos I'm well connected; aye, and well respected too. I'm a town-councillor in this place here, and altho' I say it mysel', this is a very progressive place, very progressive. We're thinking of doing away with candles, and using paraffin oil before long. There's only one thing that's troubling me about gettin' married again- it's the bairns. Oh, I've been married before, you know! I've been married before, and I've got three boys. Aye, and fine lads too. Let me see now, there's the oldest one,that's Donal' he'll be, what?- seventy-two, aye, seventy-two. Oh, but a very steady lad, tho', a steady lad.

Then the next one,- that's Peter. He's sixty-four. He's turning out a bit of a knut. He didn't come home till half-past-nine last night. He's beginning to flutter his wings a wee bit, I'm thinking. Then there's the bairn. That's little Alec - wee Eck. He's fifty. Oh, he's a terrible lad, an awful comic! He'll not work, you know. No, no; nothing but play. I saw him down the road just now, on his scooter. He's a terrible boy. I don't think I'll ever be able to rear that lad somehow. 

Mind ye, I had no intention of gettin' married again. No, I thought I'd have ended my days in peace. It was just through a conversation I overheard between my three lads that decided me to du what I'm goin' to do. I was passing by the kitchen about a month ago when I heard them speaking about me. They were discussin' when I was goin' to hop it. I heard the oldest  one say, "Boys, the old chap's gettin' very frail!" Then they started to divide up all my property before I was dead.

Ah, ah.said I, if that's your gamy, I'll spoil your plans for you. So that's what I'm goin' to do. I'm goin' to get married. So, don't run away with the idea that it's a case of love, as far s I'm concerned. It's not love... spite!
   



I'm ninety-four this mornin', 
Aye, I'm ninety-four today.
I'm not so young as I used to be, 
I'm gettin' old and grey.
But my heart is young, and I'm fond of fun, 
And I'm very proud to say
That I'm gettin' married on Thursday 
Tho' I'm ninety-four today.

I stand on a lonely seashore, 
And gaze o'er the waters blue
I picture a land of sunshine, 
And dream all the time of you
The waves of the ocean divide us, 
But still in my heart you reign;
I'd give all I have in the world love, 
To see your dear face once again.

I wonder if you miss me sometimes
Miss me when the twilight's nigh
I wonder, love, do you remember
Days gone by
I wonder if you know I'm pining
Pining for you in despair
I wonder if you know my heart is breaking
And I wonder if you care.


[Additional Verse found on Bamforth Song Card (3)]

Although from my life you've drifted, 
Your dear eyes they haunt me still; 
Again I may never see you, 
But memory my heart will spill. 
When you're caressed by another, 
The love in your eyes will gleam; 
Oh! Would I wake from my sadness,
And find it was all just a dream

 

From monologues.co.uk

Out of evil cometh good, is a saying old and true
To lose all yer lovely curly hair is an evil thing to do
When I got married, a fine head of hair like mine could not be found
Through getting water on the brain it all fell in and drowned

But I don't care, for don't you see
My old 'gooseberry' can't hurt me
I've got no hair to pull out, Oh Lor!
So I've got something to be thankful for.

Once I bought a bicycle, and the darned thing nearly killed me
I used to practise in our back yard, till I rode it properly
The first time I rode in the street, I tried to dodge a tyke
Ran into some old woman's back and smashed my lovely bike.

But I don't care, for don't you see
My wife's mother was in front of me
She fell down and broke her jaw
So I've got something to be thankful for.

My old woman, s'elp me bob, is a most neglectful spouse
She won't do a thing for me since we've had a lodger in the house
There are my socks without any feet, and at home I have to stay
While she goes out with Mr Plugs, our lodger, every day.

But I don't care, for don't you see
When she's out I go in for tea
And have such a lark with the girl next door
So I've got something to be thankful for.

Years ago, when I was mad, I went fairly off my chump
In love with a girl, and ev'ry time I met her, my heart went bump
After the banns were up, and I'd bought a 'tanner' wedding ring
She did a 'guy' with my best man, the false deceitful thing.

But I don't care, for don't you see
There's six twins now in the family
And every year there's a couple more
So I've got something to be thankful for.
 

As sung by George Beauchamp

I'm upset now; let me tell you why,
Our old tom cat has been and done a guy (run away)
My old gal declares that it's a sign
Somebody's number's up and two to one it's mine
I've been wondering why I am to blame
For sneaking the bacon and the brawn
And the young man lodger's two-eyed steaks (bloater)
When they're missing on a Sunday morn.

Has anybody seen our cat?
Has anybody seen our cat?
He's got a bit of black on the end of his tail
And the skin's all off where he's been fighting
Last Sunday morning we missed him from the mat
Puss! Puss! Puss! Meat! Meat! Meat!
Has anybody seen our cat?

How we loved that cat nobody knows
Put butter on his feet and pepper on his nose
When he caught cold gave myself a job
When the toothache troubled him so bad
And I found little Tommy couldn't eat
I tied up his face, put baccy in his ear
And got another cat to chew his meat.

I never thought he'd leave his happy home
Though after the gals he often used to roam
I've sent tripe hounds out upon his track
I'm doing everything to try and get him back
Got two cods heads stuck up on a pole
And nailed up a kipper on the door
And written underneath it ‘Welcome home'
And a promise not to kick him any more.