With my little wigger-wagger in my hand

There's one thing about me, there's no doubt
I look a masher when I'm walking about
People stare but I don't know why
P'raps it is because I wear a collar and a tie
No joke, my poke tho' a trifle red
Doesn't make them look at me a lot
But there's one thing people seem to think is funny
And I tell you what it is, just what.

It's the little wigger-wagger in my hand
That makes me such a dandy
It's not my strut, nor my face tut-tut
Not the brand new cady like a pimple on my nut
Maidies and the ladies I meet when I'm walking in the Strand
They admire my togs and I keep away the dogs
With my little wigger-wagger in my hand.

I went to a fancy dress ball one night
Dressed up as a cupid! What a lovely sight
In pink tights, cos I don't like black
Got a pair of chicken wings and stuck them on my back
In Bow, you know, I picked up a bow
Bought it very cheap, why, I be blowed
At my side I wore a quiver full of arrows
That I hired up in Harrow Road.

With my little wigger-wagger in my hand
I walked into the ballroom
But I blushed with pride, for the girls all cried
'If I catch you bending' and I thought I should have died
Fellows, they were jealous
But why it was I couldn't understand
For I stood just so with my arrow and my bow
And my little wigger-wagger in my hand.

Not long ago, on a winter's night
I dropped the candle and the house caught alight
Firemen came as the stairs gave way
I was in the attic when the hose began to play
Water oughter put the fire out
But it didn't do it, as it ought
So to rescue me the firemen got a ladder
But the ladder was a lot too short.

With my little wigger-wagger in my hand
I crept out of the window
And upon my soul, up a telegraph pole
I climbed, lor' lumme, with my face as black as coal
Sizzling and a-frizzling
I did a bit of Blondin understand?
With my shirt on fire, then I walked along the wire
With my little wigger-wagger in my hand.

I had a girl named Mary Price
Though she was beautiful and oh, so nice
I took her to the church one day
Brought a pal along with me to give the girl away
In ran some man in a pinafore
Put it on to cover up his pants
Then he asked me 'Will you take this little woman?'
But I never got an earthly chance.

With my little wigger-wagger in my hand
I stood before the altar
Then Parson Gray to the bride did say
'Will you take this gentleman to honour and obey?'
Mary so contrary
She diddled me so beautiful and grand
For she bunked from church and she left me in the lurch
With my little wigger-wagger in my hand.

Once at the seaside, Margate way
I had a little dip in Pegwell Bay
Left my clothes on a sandy beach
Put them where I reckoned that the water wouldn't reach
Sidestroke, wide stroke, I began to swim
Bobbing in the water like a boat
And on my cane I tied a pair of bladders
Just to hold me up and make me float.

With my little wigger-wagger in my hand
I left the salt seawater
But I felt a jay - to my great dismay
For the waves carried all my toggery away
I there I felt a pie there
For all the girls were laughing on the sand
As away I raced with a kipper round my waist
And my little wigger-wagger in my hand.