Seaweed

Last Summer time I went away to Dover by the sea
And thought I'd like to bring a bunch of seaweed home with me
It tells you if it's going to rain or if it's going to snow
And with it anyone can tell just what he wants to know

With my seaweed in my hand I got into the train
All the pubs were closed when I got out again
I couldn't get a drink, with thirst I thought I'd die
And as soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be dry

Two lovers walked one evening down a quiet country lane
The chap was Honest William and the girl was Mary Jane
They talked and walked and walked and talked about their future life
I heard him say, 'I shall be glad when you're my darling wife'

Then he kissed her ruby lips and looked at her with pride
Said, 'I shall be glad when, darling, you're my bride
Tomorrow we'll be wed and then you will be mine'
And as soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be fine

I had a fright some time ago right in the dead of night
The Missus said, 'Wake up you fool, the house is all alight.'
I quickly tumbled out of bed, though I could hardly stand
My seaweed hung upon the wall, I grabbed it in my hand

And rushed upon the roof, forgot to take my clothes
The fireman down below was squirting with his hose
He hit me where I stood, right on the parapet
As soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be wet

One night I felt so cold in bed, I woke my wife Maria
And said, 'I'm going to jump out love, and light a little fire'
Then in my nightie I jumped out, quite balmy on the thatch
I found the wood, and found the coal, and then I struck a match

And stood before the fire as happy as can be
Soon I felt the warmth round my anatomy
My shirt was all-alight and I'll forget-me-not
For as soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be hot

In all my married life I'd never had a row
Till someone put the poison in and things have altered now
My wife, when I got into bed the other Thursday night
She put her cold feet on my back and kicked with all her might

And pushed me out of bed, I fell on to the floor
She said she wouldn't have me back there any more
She took the sheets and quilts, in which herself she rolled
And as soon as I touched my seaweed, I knew it was going to be cold.