When there isn’t a girl about

Poor old Robinson Crusoe, he led a life of miseree
There on the Island he knew not what to do
No girls there with loving eyes
To talk to him and sympathise
There on his lonesome things felt awfully blue
One night, whilst he was making up the bed
He turned to poor old Mister Friday, and he said,

When there isn't a girl about you do feel lonely
When there isn't a girl that you can call your 'only'
You're absolutely on the shelf
Don't know what to do with yourself
When there isn't a girl about.

Mister Brown was a batchelor and living in appartments grand
One Christmas evening he sat there all alone
Just above his head you know
There hung a kind of mistletoe
He stood beneath it than he gave a groan
No sweet maid was near at hand alas
Then to himself he whispered in the looking glass,

Green aboard of a P. and O. meant to see the world, you know
And for a fortnight he quite enjoyed the trip;
He'd everything that he required
Everything that he desired
Still there was something missing on the ship
One day he found what was missing, so
He murmured to the Captain, when he went below,

Binks the Bobby was on his beat, looking for a snug retreat
But all the servants were snug between the sheets
All the clocks were striking four
And barred was every airy door
Binks seemed deserted, so did all the streets
Feeling chilly, he crouched against a wall
Then shouted to the man that kept the coffee stall,

A comic song by Harry Castling and Charles Collins originally associated with Music Hall performer Arthur Reece, whose brief biography appears below. It was also widely performed in pantomimes in the 1906/07 season.

The format of the song, with an unchanging chorus and varying independent comic verses, was extremely common in the Halls and performers added their own verses to suit a particular audience. It’s also likely that additional material was inserted to meet the needs of particular pantomimes. The possibility of variation is built into the song and parodies appeared almost immediately…

A parody by Billy Williams recorded in 1908:

Charles Keeping remembered the song in its original, published form being sung at family parties in 1930s Lambeth. Other traditional singers, performing in the 1950s and after, all seem to sing variations of bawdy versions which seem to have been generated by military personnel in World War II. The first verse and chorus of the version collected by John Howson from the singing of Cyril Barber give a flavour:

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, 
Eating her curds and whey, 
Eating her curds and whey, 
When down came a spider, 
He sat down beside her, 
He whipped his old bazooka out, and this is what he says: 

Get a hold of this, get hold of that, 
When there isn't a girl about, you do feel lonely, 
When there isn't a girl about you're on your only. 
Absolutely on the shelf, 
Nothing to play with but yourself, 
When there isn't a girl about.

There is more information about these bawdy versions in the relevant entries in the Roud Index in the Vaughan Williams Memorial library.

Arthur Reece (1870-1964) was the son of Music Hall topical vocalist Jovial Joe Colverd ( c1849-1903) who famously sang patriotic songs dressed as John Bull. Arthur Reece became a highly successful Cockney comedian and like his father was well-known for singing patriotic songs – most famously he was the original performer of Sons of the sea. His greatest successes were in the late Victorian halls of the 1890s and 1900s, but he continued to perform his hits right up until the 1930s. He died at the age of 94 in the Artist’s Benevolent Fund home at Twickenham.

A version (unparodied) recorded in 1907, sung by Fred Vernon:

Sources:

• VWML entry
• Kilgarrif Sing Us
• Lyrics: monologues.co.uk
• Sheet Music: Bumper Book
• Howson (1992), Songs Sung in Suffolk p.28
• Fresno Ballad Index
• Arthur Reece obituary, The Stage, 9 April 1964, p7

Last Updated on November 23, 2022 by John Baxter | Published: November 17, 2022