I finish em off

AKA
First Published1907

Writer/composerTW ConnorRoudRN10702

Music Hall PerformersDan Crawley
Folk performancesCollected from the singing of:
Freeman, Hubert ; England : Suffolk : unknown date
I FINISH 'EM OFF!
Sung by DAN CRAWLEY. 
Written and Composed by T. W. CONNOR.

You bet I know a thing or two
Although I look a fool
To keep the pot a-boiling now
I keep a "Finishing School"
The way I turn the scholars out 
There' no one could surpass 	
The boys and girls they come for miles
To join my "Finishing Class."

And I finish 'em off! finish 'em off absolutely great! 	
All the boys have learnt to scrap
Chew tobacco and cheat at "nap"
And when I'm done with 'em you'd find 'em hard to beat. 
The girls can all stand on their heads! 
I finish 'em off a treat!
[twice]
 
The poultry shop next door to me
Is doing a roaring trade;
It's all through me, the fellow there
His fortune's nearly made.
His ducks and fowls he "powders up;"
And "fakes" them beautif'lly,
But just before they're up for sale
He sends them in to me.

And I finish 'em off! finish 'em off! absolutely great!
First to make 'em nice and plump
I blow them out with my cycle-pump!
And when I'm done with 'em you'd find 'em hard to beat.
With some lavender round the parson's-nose I finish'em off a treat!

Now, once a year I have to work
A bit of "over-time,"
Preparing all the ladies for
The Christmas pantomime.
There's some of them are beautiful,
And some of them are not;
In fact, in forty years you couldn't
Find their beauty spot.

So I finish 'em off! finish'em off! absolutely great! 
Paint their faces, dye their hair,
Pad 'em a little bit here and there,
And when I'm done with 'em you'd find 'em hard to beat. 
Large and small,I cuddle 'em all, and finish 'em off a treat!

The young girls in our neighborhood
Have nearly turned my head. 
They come to me for good advice 
When going to get wed!
So I have to instruct them in 
The use of nurs'ry-pins,
The way to turn the mangle, and 
The way to nurse the twins.

And I finish 'em off! finish 'em off! absolutely great!
Tell them how they ought to spoon,
And what to do on their honeymoon,
And when I'm done with 'em you'd find 'em hard to beat.
With a bottle of gin and a coke-hammer I finish 'em off a treat!

Another early 20th century song from the Halls remembered by a traditional singer in the 2nd half of the 20th century. This one was originally written by  TW Connor , and performed by Dan Crawley. It was still being sung in the pubs of Suffolk 70 years later and can be heard on the Veteran CD Comic Songs sung in Suffolk.

Gilbert Sargent in his memoirs of early 20th century rural Sussex life remembered singing it, commenting that you wouldn’t sing comic songs in mixed company – things such as Finish them off a Treat; you just sung them to yourself. Of course, when I got older I’d sing them in pubs.

Sources:

  • Entries in the Roud Indexes at the Vaughn Williams Memorial Library: https://archives.vwml.org/search/all:single[folksong-broadside-books]/0_50/all/score_desc/extended-roudNo_tr%3A10702
  • Killgqarrif Sing Us
  • Lyrics and Sheet Music: Connor, T. W., & Crawley, D. (1907). I finish ’em off! Francis, Day and Hunter.[Bodleian Library Mediated Copying Service]
  • Gilbert Sargent (1989 ) A Sussex life : the memories of Gilbert Sargent, countryman

Last Updated on May 26, 2024 by John Baxter | Published: May 26, 2024

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