Any dirty work today

We’re here! We're here! Do you want any murders done today?
D'ya hear? D'ya hear? If you want anybody put out of the way
Call the old established firm, your old good friends in need.
Families waited on daily, the best work guaranteed!

Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to murder your mother-in-law for a shilling.
If you've got a wife or two, you want put out of the way,
We are the boys to do the job. We do them in, a bob a nob,
If you've more, its three for a bob! Any dirty work today?
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to kill any lady's old man for a shilling.
So if he's shabby and worn-out, while you're still young and gay
Let's put strychnine in his tea! Rely on us the secrecy,
You ask the lady at number three! Any dirty work today?
 
We’re here! We're here! We're the original dirty dogs.
D'ye hear! D'ye hear! If you want a good murder, see our catalogues
Poisonings done for eighteen pence, and that includes the dose.
And we've some glorious deaths in stock at one-and-nine per gross.
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to strangle a cat or a dog for a shilling.
For tuppence we’ll ring your landlords bell and run away.
If there’s anyone you hate, for ninepence when the hour is late,
We’ll chalk rude words on his garden gate! Any dirty work today?
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to burn any house to the ground for a shilling.
The petrol costs us eight pence, you may think it doesn’t pay;
For fourpence profit doesn’t sound a lot, but we’ve got a decent round
And sixty fourpences make a pound: Any dirty work today?
 
We’re here! We're here! Now does anyone want a quick divorce?
D'ye hear! D'ye hear! We can make it easy as backing a horse
Evidence we can wangle in a way they can’t detect
“Homes broken up on the shortest notice!” “Happy firesides wrecked”
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to get your evidence up for a shilling.
If you’ve a wife that’s as good and pure as flowers that bloom in May
Pay a bob, then up we creep, black her face while she’s asleep,
And swear we saw her kissing the sweep: Any dirty work today?
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to settle a newly born babe for a shilling.
We’ll wait out on the stairs until the doctor’s gone away,
Then grab the baby from the nurse, no mess, no trouble and no fuss
Lend us a pail and leave it to us: Any dirty work today?
 
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to cut off a nanny goat’s beard for a shilling.
And if the dairy farmers says: “Your bill you’ve got to pay!”
For fourpence round his cows will sneak, we’ll feed them on onions for a week;
He’ll get no milk because they’ll spring a leak: Any dirty work today?
 
Do you want any dirty work done, any dirty work today?
Here we are, ready and willing, to trip up old ladies for 3 and a shilling.
For Fourpence down, we'll have high tea at Lyon’s café
And though the menu plainly says: No tips allowed!
We’ll watch and wait, then slip a penny beneath the plate! Any dirty work today?