Then you can reckon on diddling me

YOU CAN'T DIDDLE ME.

I came up to London a few months ago,
The way I was treated, I'll soon let you know,
I had lots of money the sights for to see,
Yes! I did the grand when out on the spree,
While walking one night, I quite forget where,
I met a sweet damsel so young and so fair,
She said, good night Charley! she made me feel gay
She asked me to treat her, these words I did say.

Wait till Good-Friday on Whit-Monday falls
Wait till a tripe shop they make of St. Paul's
Wait till poor Roger sits on the Queen's knee
Then you can reckon on diddling me.

Then I left this fair maiden, for she didn't suit me
Then all of a sudden a big crowd I did see,
There was a chap with some purses stood on a chair
When I did see him it made me to stare,
He tossed up a shilling, two shillings as well,
Into the purse he said it did fall,
A bob for the lot, he thought I would buy,
I guess'd it a swindle, so made this reply.

The time's not arrived yet, its rather too soon
Wait till Christmas day does fall in June,
Wait till the Man in the Moon you can see,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.

Then I walk'd about till I felt rather dry,
I went into a pub some ale for to buy,
They all stared at me, they thought I was green,
But I very soon told them all, what I did mean,
I put down a sovereign, I thought it look'd strange
Some big chap he tried to pick up my change,
I put it into my pocket, said, its mine as you see,
Though I be from the country, you can't diddle me

Wait till the Shah comes to England again,
And sell schokalones down Petticoat Lane,
Wait till Kenealy Sir Roger set's free,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.

I went to the play to see Hamlet you know,
When it was all over straight home I did go,
Three fellows they stopped me with their artful game,
They tried to kid me with a snide watch and chain
They said it was gold, thinks I: that's a lie.
They said give us a pound the lot you can buy,
I said not for Charley and left them you see,
You may try all you can, but you don't diddle me

Wait till our postmen get better pay,
Wait till a pig on a banjo can play,
Wait till no more little babies we see,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.

Now my landlady's daughter is a nice girl you see,
Two or three Sunday's with her I have tea,
She has a young baby, she seems very glad,
But she's got the nerve to say I'm its dad,
I know I have kissed, times two or three,
But I know that dear baby don't belong to me,
She may try all she can this damsel so gay,
For another chaps courting I don't mean to pay.

Wait till a snail can run like an horse,
Wait till the Prince of Wales gets a divorce,
Wait till Mrs. Prodger's and cabmen agree,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.

As you travel through life be careful each one,
Take care of your selves and mind that you ain't done,
To be wide awake is the motto for me,
They can all do their best but can't diddle me,
Since I've been in London chaps, I have to contrive
I know how many beans there is to make five,
I mean to be jolly, light hearted and free,
You must get up very early to get over me.

So wait till your cocks refuses to crow,
Wait till to your Uncles you never go,
Wait till old England from poverty is free,
Then you can reckon on diddling me.

The song reproduced above appears on several British broadsides which all seem to have been printed in the last quarter of the 19th century. This is almost certainly the song that was first sung under the title “Then you can reckon on diddling me” written and performed by Mr Albert West in 1874.

The song subsequently seems to have been widely sung by amateur singers – there are records of performances of songs called “You can’t diddle me”, “Diddling me” and “Then you can reckon on diddling me” (which I think it is reasonable to assume are all the same song) throughout the 1880s and 1890s.

Its one of a number of Music Hall songs suggesting that rural visitors to the capital might not be as gullible as might be assumed.

The song contains several topical references which reinforce the suggestion that its a song from the mid 1870s:

• “Roger”, “Sir Roger” and “Keneally” refer to the Tichborne Claimant – a notorious series of court cases in the early 1870s surrounding the alleged impersonation of a missing wealthy baronet Roger Tichborne. The man found guilty of impersonating Tichborne was jailed in 1874 – his lawyer Edward Keneally, was subsequently disbarred but campaigned for many years on behalf of the Claimant.
• “Mrs Prodgers” was a scandalous divorced woman with a considerable disposable income. From the early 1870s until her death in 1890 she initiated a huge number of court cases including over 50 disputes with the drivers of horse-drawn Hansom cabs.
• “Shah comes to England again“. In 1873 the Shah of Persia visited England and attracted huge crowds of curious onlookers. He must have appeared particularly exotic, contemporary reports describe his attire as encrusted with gold and precious stones. His visit prompted several Music Hall songs including the Great Vance’s Have you seen the Shah?
• “sell schokalones /shockalonts down Petticoat Lane” – I have no idea what this means!
• “postmen get better pay“. Postal workers actively campaigned for better pay in the Victorian period and in 1870s there were several unsuccessful attempts to form trade unions.
• “Prince of Wales gets a divorce” – in the late 1860s and early 1870s the Prince of Wales and his circle of friends were notorious for their scandalous sexual behaviour despite much of their worst behaviour being hushed up. There were numerous instances of dubious behaviour including accusations of what would today be described as rape. The Prince of Wales had a series of mistresses despite efforts to keep things quiet, he was named in a number of divorce cases.

It seems probable that the Albert West who wrote this song is not the same Albert West who in 1876 was the actor manager of The Marylebone Theatre and later wrote a number of theatrical pieces. Notices in newspapers indicate that one Albert West was managing a theatre in London, on exactly the same dates that the other was appearing on stage in places like Hull and Ashton-under-Lyne. Thus far I know little about the the Albert West who wrote the song except that he was usually described as a “comic vocalist” or “topical vocalist” and for some reason was regularly billed as “The vocalist you can understand.” (I will add to these biographical notes as and when I find out more …

Sources:

• Entries in the Roud Indexes at the Vaughn Williams Memorial Library: https://archives.vwml.org/search/all:single[folksong-broadside-books]/0_50/all/score_desc/extended-roudNo_tr%3A23515
• Kilgarrif Sing Us
• Lyrics: from Broadside held at Bodleian Library
• Sheet Music: not found
• Michael Diamond, Victorian Sensation, (2003)