Standard Bread

My old woman was as weak as any rat,
Never shook a tablecloth and never beat a mat.
If she had a little drop to keep her on her feet,
Hadn't strength to water it, so always had it neat.
One day our lodger went and said to her that standard bread is nice.
It'll make you strong as Sandow if you only had one slice.
She had once slice and, dear oh lor! Her strength she hardly knew.
The threw the lodger down the stairs, pushed me up the flue.

Bread! Bread! Bread! Standard bread!
"I'm going to do the washing," the old girl said.
Like a lion she began to scrub,
Pushed my shirt though the bottom of the tub.
Six months washing it was done in half a jif, and when she came to bed,
In her arms she had the copper,
The mangle and the chopper,
And a little bit of standard bread.

We kept a fowl and our lot was very hard.
Hadn't got a single feather on her Scotland Yard.
When the wind was blowing hard, she couldn't do her craft.
Had to put a curtain up to keep away the draft.
She spied her match, a cock-a-doodle doo next door named Chanticleer.
He said, "Pop off! I'm busy. You are far too bald old dear."
She found some standard bread one day, and as she ... with shame,
She'd hardly got it down her neck when out her feathers came.

Bread! Bread! Bread! Standard bread!
She grew a feather duster on her old bald head.
Ostrich plumes on her "I suppose"
Ladies' stickers on her parson's nose.
She got married to the cock-a-doodle-doo. It's a fact, now they are wed.
They're a-cooing and a-billing,
And it's twenty for a shilling
Through a little bit of standard bread.

Our greasy cook was a-screaming down the house.
Standing on the dresser, she was shouting, "There's a mouse!"
The animal skedaddled. When he took his flight,
Saw her fancy garters and couldn't bear the sight.
I went and got a bit of standard bread and set it in the trap,
And after waiting fourteen hours, I caught that little chap.
The mouse had ate up all the bread. His muscles grew and grew,
And when he saw our old tomcat, you'd hardly think it's true.

Bread! Bread! Bread! Standard bread!
The mouse he went and jumped upon the old cat's head.
Lifted up one massive paw,
Caught poor Tommy such a wonder on the jaw.
They got wrestling together on the mat, 
And the poor cat dropped down dead.
The mouse, lord lumme,
Got a pussy in his tummy
And a little bit of standard bread.