Other department please, The

I promised the wife the other day  
A yard of lace I'd bring  
From one of those Department Stores  
Where they sell ev'rything:  
So if you've got an hour or two  
Or three or four to spare,  
I'll tell you just exactly  
All the things that happened there:  

I went to Counter Number One,  
The shopman said, 'How do?  
It's been a lovely day today,  
What can I do for you?'  
I said, 'I want a yard of lace  
To match this for the wife.'  

'All right' said he - 'now here you see  
An easy chair - and china ware  
Some pictures rare - a bob the pair -  
And here I've got - a baby's cot 
It's made for one, but holds a lot,  
I think you'll find it meets the case,  
But if you're only wanting lace  
The other department, if you please,  
Straight on and up the stairs.' 

So up the stairs I went at once,  
The shopman said, 'How do? 
It's been a lovely day today,  
What can I do for you?' 
I said 'I want a yard of lace  
To match this for the wife.'  
'All right' said he - 'now here you see  

Some bowler hats - and choice cravats  
Some shirts galore - at one and four, 
With tails we charge you sixpence more  
And lots and lots of ties with spots  
And sailor's knots, with purple dots,  
But if it's lace that you require,  
You'll have to mount a little higher,  
The other department, if you please,  
Straight on and up the stairs. 

So up the stairs I went again,  
The shopman said, 'How do?  
It's been a lovely day today,  
What can I do for you?'  
I said 'I want a yard of lace  
To match this for the wife.'  

'All right' said he - now here you see 
Upon this floor - we've books galore; 
Now here's a book - that's worth a look  
'All men are Liars' by Doctor Cook;  
Smyth Pigott's book, 'Why Woman Sins,'  
A sequel to 'The Heavenly Twins,'  
Another here - 'What Winston Did,'  
Appropriately bound in 'Kid:'  
But if it's lace you want to buy 
I'm much afraid you'll have to try  
The other department, if you please,  
Straight on and up the stairs. 

So up the stairs I went again,  
The shopman said 'How do? 
It's been a lovely day today, 
What can I do for you?'  I said, 
'I want a yard of lace  
To match this for the wife.'  

'All right' said he - now here you see  
Some marmalade - of ev'ry shade  
A lovely cheese - that walks with ease  
Creates a breeze - and warbles glees  
We've ham and lamb - and pots of jam  
And potted meat from Uncle Sam;  
And pickled pork, that's learnt to talk,  
And eggs - God bless the Duke of York!  
But if it's lace you've come to get,  
You'll have to travel higher yet,  
The other department, if you please,  

Straight on and up the stairs. 
So up the stairs I went again,  
The shopman said, 'How do? 
It's been a lovely day today,  
What can I do for you?  
I said 'I want a yard of lace  
To match this for the wife.'  

'Alright' said he, 'now here you see  
Some ladies' socks - with fancy clocks  
They're simply prime - they never chime,  
But when it rains you see the time  
We've blouses rare - beyond compare  
They're rather bare - just here and there 
But as they let in lots of air,  
We've christened them 'Maud Allan' 'wear: 
But if it's lace you're anxious for,  
You'll find it on the bottom floor, 
The other department, if you please,  

Straight on and down the stairs. 
Then down the stairs I went again,  
I found the place at last;  
The shopman murmured, 'What's for you?' 
My heart was beating fast: 
I said 'I want a yard of lace  
To match this for the wife.'  

I've never had a search like this 
Before in all my life;'  
Then as a smile spread over his face,  
I handed to him that sample of lace:  
'I want a yard like that, sir,' I cried,  
But he with clarion voice replied,  
'I'm sorry, sir, to put you about, 
But that kind of lace, sir...  
I've just sold out.