I’m getting ready for my mother in law 

My wife's Mother sent a letter today
Saying she was coming for a week to stay
When I heard the news 'Well strike me fat'
That is what I've done to my best hat
Then thought came suddenly to me
Talk about a spree, I was in my glee
My wife shouted 'What's the matter now
Want to have a row, or a fight I vow?'
I said 'No you're wrong my dear'
And because it's like this here.

I'm getting ready for my Mother-in-Law
Getting ready for the fray
When she puts her face inside the place
I'll make the old girl feel all gay
There's a little back room on the third top floor
Where the beetles up the wall do climb
Oh! Mother, mother, mother, mother, mother, mother
You'll have a lively time.

Round to the bakers I went off in a tick
Bought a quartern loaf quite as hard as a brick
Went into a shop where fish was sold
Found a pair of kippers nigh a fortnight old
Four-pence I gave for some mouldy cheese
Strong enough to sneeze, let alone the breeze
Then I got a pound of margarine
Talk about a scene, it was turning green
When the shopman looked at me
I said, 'It's all right cockie!'

I've been cutting off the legs of a chair
So she'll break her back, when she sits there
In her little bed I've stuck some pins
Just to make the old girl scratch her shins
Five and twenty tom cats and a 'she'
Are waiting patiently, for to have a spree
Off the roof I've taken all the tiles
Talk about St Giles, or the Seven Dials
If she wants some nice fresh air
She can have it when she's here.

Knowing that she likes a little drop of gin
I've got a gallon of turpentine in
I'll make her shift in about three ticks
Whether she screams or whether she kicks
She'll have a jalap in a cup of tea
Take a tip from me happy I shall be
Meat that I've got to make an Irish stew
In a day or two, it will 'Pinky Poo' 
If she thinks it all serene
Oh! God save our gracious Queen.