I took it home to Maria

From Feldman's Second Giant Budget of Copyright songs

I took it home to Maria
Sung by Frank Seeley
Words and music by Harry Wincott and Harry Leighton

I was going home late one morning, in the fog you see.
When a lady, without a warning, came and said to me,
“Hold my baby just for a tick while I pin up my dress?”
Well I took the little kid in my arms, I did, I must confess,
But to my surprise she ran away,
And left me with the kid, I say!
 
So I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one.
It was just the kid to admire but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the Baby she shouted “Look here Jack”
We've only been married a month or two so you'll have to take it back.” [twice]

My old woman she bought a bicycle for twenty bob.
And she tells me its nicey nicey when she’s on the job.
Passing by a ragshop today, I saw such a lovely pair 
Of bloomers hanging outside the shop,just fourpence I declare.
So I went and bought em quick you see,
And when they wrapped them up for me:
 
I took ‘em home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one.
They were just the pair to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she tried o get in ‘em she shouted 'Look here Jack,
I just can’t get ‘em over my knees at all so you'll have to take em back.”
[twice]

In our little backyard we've got a lovely chicken run, 
And my missus says "Oh what a shame we haven't one 
Fowl to put in the chicken house" When I heard her say that 
I prowled all over the neighbours yards just like an old tom cat 
Then I grab some rooster by its legs 
The champion for laying eggs

So I took ‘em home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one.
They were just the bird to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted that old hen she shouted 'Look here Jack,
If it don't lay bacon as well as eggs you'll have to take em back.”
[twice]
 
My wife being a farmer’s daughter won’t drink milk, oh no!
She declares its chalk and water, mixed up just like dough
So I went to a cattle show, and in the dairy there,
When they started to milk the cows, I had to stop and stare
Presently some man told me the tale,
Sold me an old cow and a pail

And so I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one 
It was just the cow to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the creature she shouted 'Look here Jack,
How can I milk it? This cow’s a bull, so you'll have to take it back.”
[twice]

People think that my face looks bonny, but my wife you know,
Says to me “Now why don’t you, Johnny, let your whiskers grow?”
Tho’ I’ve [rubbed hair restorer] o’er my chin and round my nose
Not a sign of hair has come a sprouting, Holy Mose
In barbershop today I saw
A lovely curly moustachios, oh lor!

And I took it home to Maria, ‘cos I hadn’t one 
It was just the thing to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted my whiskers, she shouted “Look here Jack,
If it doesn’t tickle me properly, you'll have to take it back.”
[twice]

Poor Maria like all the ladies, wants to ride a horse. 
But a clothes horse, I much afraid, is her one last resource. 
How can she ride up Rotten Row with the ladies grand, 
When I can’t afford a horse not even one second hand?
But a costermonger who was broke
For eighteen pence sold me his moke

And I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one 
It was just the moke to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the donkey she shouted 'Look here Jack,
You mustn’t bring your relations here, you'll have to take it back.”
[twice]

My wife tells me she wants a slavey in the house, I say!
She’s got tired making pie and gravy, and to day Hooray!
I met one, such a pretty dear, this morning in the park
Lovely eyes, golden hair, well there I’ll pass no more remark
For we had a chat on the strict QT
Then I said “You come along with me”

And I took it home to Maria, ‘cos ‘Ria hadn’t one 
It was just the girl to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the slavey she shouted “Look here Jack,
Unless she’s going to sleep out at night, you'll have to take her back.”
[twice]



As sung by Charlie Hancy in the 1970s
Now as I was strolling out this morning, it was in the fog you see.
Oh, a lady, without any caution, she stopped and said to me,
'Will you hold my baby a half-a-tick while I pin up my dress?'
Well I took this kiddy in my arms, I did, I must confess,
And to my surprise she ran away,
And left me with the kid, I say!
 
Well I took it home to Maria because she wanted one.
It was just a kid to admire but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the baby she said 'Now look here Jack,
We've only been married a couple of months so you'll have to take it  back.'

Now the old girl bought me a bicycle for five-and-twenty bob.
She said she was never happy except when I was on my job.
While riding past a rag shop there,
I saw such a lovely pair of ladies bloomers hanging there, I did, I must declare.
Well I went and bought them quick you see,
And they wrapped them so neatly up for me.
 
Well I took them home to Maria because she wanted some.
They were just the pair to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the bloomers she said 'Now look here Jack,
They're split up to the front and down to the back so you'll have to take them back.'
 
Well my old girl say she wants a slavey for in the house today.
She said she was tired of making gravy, oh hip hip hip hoorah!
While walking round the park today I met a suffragette.
She had lovely eyes and lovely hair, oh lovely, didn't I stare.
I said, 'Will you have a walk with me,
I'll square you on the Q.U.l.T.'
 
Well I took her home to Maria because she wanted one.
She was just the girl to admire, but oh, what have I done?
As soon as she spotted the slavey, she said 'Now look here Jack,
Unless she's going to sleep out tonight you'll have to take her back.'