Early Closing Day

Early closing day (It’s my day off tonight)
Words and music by Fred E Terry and W Wallace
Sung by Fred Keeton

What a fine for situation for one’s constitution
Is Early Closing Day!
The government say we must take a half-day,
Away from our shops set aside just for play
I’m married that’s all that’s the matter with me;
There’s seventeen branches from our family tree.
Hurrah for Lloyd George from the land of the leek!
It’s him that I blame for this half-day a week.

And it’s my day off tonight, it’s my night off today.
Early closing orders of course we must obey.
I shut up the clock as the shop’s striking one.
It’s lovely to know that your day’s work is done.
Then I rush home like mad to the wife and the nippers,
Ten of us dine off a sirloin of kippers.
Then off comes my coat and I pull out my hands,
I wash all the dishes, the pots and the pans, 
I get out the hearthstone and whitewash the grate,
I black lead the butter and scrub little Kate,
I wash out the handkerchiefs used by the twins,
And hot them Swistle-nest milk in their tins.
I’ve got nothing to do only what I do
On my early Closing Day!

There’s no wife about,  ‘cos it’s her evening out
On my early Closing Day!
As I walk indoors she walks out just because
A woman wants her half-day off same as yours.
The children lor love ‘em and curse ‘em the dears,
With Birch broom and shovel, I shove up their tears.
This half-day off is the “makings” of me,
I feel twice as strong as a weak cup of tea.

And it’s my day off tonight, it’s my night off today.
Early closing orders of course we must obey.
With needle and cotton I mend the kids’ suits,
I get some brown paper and mend all their boots.
And a woodbine cigar end I puff like a masher,
Whilst making beef tea from a fat bacon rasher.
I’m bound to have corns ‘round my knees, on my neck
Thro standing up straight like a teetotal wreck.
I clean all the windows with nugget and soap,
The outside I polish with cart grease and rope, 
I scrub all the floors with one pair of fives,
And sharpen the handles of our Sunday knives.
It’s a pastime to pass time, to pass time away
On Early Closing Day!

To get some more splosh in I do a week’s washing
On early Closing Day!
The neighbours all think that I’ve taken to drink
When they hear me open a bottle of ink.
That starts the ball rolling, it does on my soul!
I roll down the garden and roll up the pole.
There’s no doubt that George Lloyd ought to be blessed,
I’m tired of my life, through this half-a-day’s rest

And it’s my day off tonight, it’s my night off today.
Early closing orders of course we must obey.
To keep myself fit, and from getting too fat, 
 I shake all the doorsteps and wipe down the mat.
All the neighbours are jealous because I’m so busy,
They look at my apron and say “Stick it Lizzie!”
My wife she rolls home from the club about three
Next morning in charge of a “Parker,  PC”
Kicks me out of the bed and flies at my throat
And say she’s been out in search of a vote
She knocks me about like a terrible Turk
Till the time comes to start, to start, to starting for work.
It’s a pleasure I treasure this half day of leisure
On Early Closing Day!