Body in the bag, The

From sheet music

Our old Thomas Cat died last night,
The wife said, "Bury it out of sight."
We haven't got no garden we're living in a flat,
So what was I to do with the body of the cat?
Then a big brown paper bag I spied,
And I put the old Tom Cat in-side.

Then off I went with the body in the bag,
The body in the bag, ta-rah-rah.
[9 times or ad lib]

I sneaked along the street as quiet as any little mouse 
And laid it very gently on the doorstep of a house. 
The door flew open suddenly, a lady dressed in blue 
Said, "Ong tray-voo, Mos-soo, par-don-y, do you par-ley voo"
Said I " Good heavens no ma'am I've something else to do
And skedaddled with the body in the bag

I stepped into a public bar and had brandy neat,
Then guiltily I hit my burden underneath the seat;
I crawled out on my hands and knees but halfway up the town,
The Barman stopped me saying, "Here's your parcel, Mr. Brown."
I had to thank that silly ass and give him half a crown,
For handing me the body in the bag

I crept into the park and while I shivered at the knees 
I dropped the darn thing over all among some little trees. 
A female screamed "Oh heavens!" and a navvy sort of chap, 
Ran up and shouted out to me "Do you want to have a scrap??
Here, what you mean by dropping this in my young woman's lap?" 
And he biffed me with the body in the bag

I thought new Whitehall Barracks that I might get rid of Tom
But a sentry was on guard and thought he saw me drop a bomb;
He rushed up with his bayonet to stab me in the heart,
But I'd my back towards him then and very very smart
I placed a kind of bustle on my very tender part
And he bayoneted the body in the bag...

I got on some allotment and not feeling very brave,
I found a little shovel and prepared to dig a grave,
But just as I was digging it, a voice behind me said,
"You're stealing me potatoes!"" And he might have killed me dead;
But just between his radishes and cauliflower bed,
I sloshed him with the body in the bag...

I threw the bag in the river but the hero from some play,
Jumped in and shouted "I have saved it! Hip,hip, hip, hooray!"
He brought it to the shore, and while he stood there in a pool,
He said to me "I'm sopping wet and feeling rather cool."
I had to take me trousers off and change them with that fool,
For rescuing the body in the bag...

Then up the street I met a fellow in his shirt and pants, 
Said he "Are you the doctor?" And I thought, now here's my chance! 
I said "Yes I'm the doctor and I've brought your family, 
You might take home your baby, for it's in the bag you see" 
But he'd had kids before and so new too much for me, 
And he wouldn't have the body in the bag...

I crept down to the railway and I laid it on the rail,
I said "Now for the dirty work. Here comes the Midnight Mail
The Flying Scotsman came along and with a mighty smack
In knocked the bundle of the line and caught me such a whack
And in a dirty marquee paddle, lying on my back
I was cuddling the body in the bag

Then suddenly inside the back I heard a plaintive meow'
Said Puss "I've come back to life again, you needn't trouble now
For everybody is well aware pussy has nine lives , 
And I'm a married tabby and I'm one of Ginger's wives 
I usually have families in threes or fours or fives 
But there's seven little bodies in the bag!"

Then I took the high road, and she took the low road
She got back home long before me
And Puss and her family for ever boast and brag
How they diddled me the night I had body in the bag

Off I went with the bodies in the bag,
The bodies in the bag, ta-rah-rah.