Auntie Maggie’s Remedy

Now there's all sorts of medicines that you can buy
No matter what ailment you've got
But I know a special one you ought to try
You'll find it's the best of the lot

Its my Auntie Maggie's home made remedy,
It's guaranteed never to fail
That's the stuff that will do the trick
Its sold at every chemist for "one and a kick".

Now if youve got lumbago, rheumatics or gout, 
Or a pain in your Robert E. Lee
Don't kick up a shindy, you'll never get windy 
With Auntie Maggie's Remedy!

If you set your alarm clock for eight in the morning
You're bound to wake up I'll agree
But I'll bet you by heaven, you'll wake up at seven
With my Auntie Maggie's Remedy!

In a young lady's bedroom I went by mistake
My intentions were honest you see
She shouted with laughter, "I know what you're after
Its my Auntie Maggies Remedy."

Oh my Auntie Maggies home made remedy, 
it's guaranteed never to fail
That's the stuff that will do the trick
Its sold at every chemist for "one and a kick".

Now when the baby starts crying, there's always a reason
And if you inspect him you'll see,
The poor little chappy has covered his nappy
With Auntie Maggie's Remedy!

Now I went to a doctor, I wasn't too well
And he made me lie on a settee
He said "there's trouble brewing, youve been overdoing
Your Auntie Maggie's Remedy."

Now I know a girl who was putting on weight,
In a spot where it just shouldn't be
So I said to Nellie, "Now you rub your [ankle], 
With Auntie Maggie Remedy!"

Now one day at the races, the horse I that lay backed
Could have won it was easy to see
But the trainer said after, it would have run faster
With Auntie Maggie's Remedy - inside its nose bag
With Auntie Maggie's Remedy!