Any old thing will do

I've been single all my life,
Thought at last I'd take a wife;
Dressed up in my in my best today,
No mistake, I looked all gay. 
Went to a matrimonial agent
He was most polite;
He said, "What sort of	a wife do you want?" 
I said, "Oh, that's all	right!"

"Any old thing will do! Any old thing will do - do - do!
As long as she's got money she'll suit me to a T;
Got no nose, got no legs, got no teeth to chew,
Got no hair, I don't care - Any old thing will do!"
[twice]

Tommy Thompson by the sea 
Once took all his family,
Wife and kids and ma-in-law
Such a sight you never saw!
Walking along the beach one day
A boatman to him ran;
He said ,"What sort of a boat do you want?"
When Thompson said,"Old man ...

"Any old thing will do! Any old thing will do - do - do!
I don't care if it's leaking, it's good enough for me
Ma -in-law wants to row on the ocean blue
Some old boat too old to float — Any old thing will do!"

I went to a party once;
Hadn't had a "feed" for months.
On the table-just my luck!
Up they brought a big fat duck
Soon as they started on that bird
It filled us all with glee.
They said,"What part of the bird would you like?" 
I said, "Don't study me!

"Any old thing will do! Any old thing will do -do - do ! 
Where it's plump and juicy will suit me to a T. 
Lumps of lean, lumps of fat, lots of stuffing too, 
Wings or toes, parson's nose — any old thing will do!"

One day I got such a shock,
Sitting near a great big rock;
Some old girl the other side
Spotted me, and then she cried, 
"Young man, I'm in an awful state, 
I am, I'm nearly froze!
Do go and get me something to wear, 
'Cause I've lost all my clothes.

"Any old thing will do! Any old thing will do-do-do! 
All that I was wearing has been washed out to sea.
Don't come near, there's a dear, I'm turning pink and blue; 
Your old hat — throw me that — any old thing will do!"