What a friend! What a sport!

Jolly good pals are a trouble to find
I've got a pal but he's really too kind
When he comes round to our house it is grand
He feeds us up on the fat of the land
When he buys a chicken for dinner you see
I don't have any it's too rich for me
After the wife lets me lick out the dish
He gives me the wishbone and tells me to wish

What a friend! What a sport!
What a jolly good pal to me
I go to work at five each morn
He gives the wife cups of tea when I'm gone
But if I ever live to have plenty of LSD
I won't run away
I'll pay him someday
For all that he's done for me

I told the wife I would take her away
Down to Southend for a short holiday
But when the time came for us to depart
It played the death March on my old woman's heart
When it was laid up and so I couldn't go
My pal came round to our house and said Joe
I'm going down to Southend by the sea
You can't take the wife shall I take her with me

What a friend! What a sport!
What a jolly good pal to me
He took my wife away you know
Said I'll look after her, don't worry Joe
But if I ever live to have plenty of LSD
I won't run away
I'll pay him someday
For all that he's done for me