Bread and Marmalade

[from sheet music]

Some years ago when I was mother′s baby, 
For bread and marmalade I had a craze.
In fact, I got so fond of it that really 
I always have some with me nowadays.
Last night I spooned with a girl named dear Louise,
And as we parted 'neath some shady trees, 

She sighed and murmur'd, "Darling, give me something
As a token that your love will never fade,
Just something I can take to bed and sleep on" - 
So I gave her my bread and marmalade!

Poor father he was taken ill one evening
To try to cure him mother did her best;
We hadn't got a single drop of brandy,
So I made a mustard plaster for his chest.
I crept up to his bedroom late at night,
And smacked it on his chest with all my might.

Poor father jump'd from bed and shouted "Murder!"
The temper of a tiger he displayed, 
For in mistake, on father′s little Mary, 
I'd stuck my slice of bread and marmalade!

One day I thought I'd try and breed some poultry,
So on the nest I placed my fav'rite hen
My wife and I went round there ev'ry morning
Of chickens we expected nine or ten.
A fortnight pass'd, but no result was shown,
Then that poor hen stood up and gave a groan.

My wife looked straight at me and then she murmur'd
"You silly fool a nice mistake you've made
No wonder that poor thing can't hatch chickens
She's been sitting on your bread and marmalade!"


[addditional verses transcribed from recording]

I once was in a smash-up on the railway, 
To me it was a bit beyond a joke.
For half an hour there I lay unconscious, 
Until I smelt some whisky, then I woke.
I crawled a yard or two along the ground, 
But not a sign of anyone I found.

At last I clutched at something in the darkness,
And then a sweet voice cried out from the shade, 
"How dare you pinch me leg!" I said, "I'm sorry, 
I thought it was me bread and marmalade!"

Like every Englishman, I′m patriotic; 
I went to see a tattooed girl today.
Upon her form she had the map of Europe,
Tattooed in different colours, by the way.
She′d France and Belgium there in green and black, 
And good old England tattooed on her back.

I looked at her and shouted, "Rule Britannia!",
And as me Union Jack I had mislaid,
Right on the part where she'd got German Empire", 
I slapped me slice of bread and marmalade!