That’s when you feel all right

When you're very well dressed on a swell race course,
That's when you feel all right!
And if you have a pound to put on a horse,
That's when you feel all right!
You find a bookie amidst the din,
And with him you plank down all your tin, 
And when you see your gee-gee win,
That's when you feel all right!

You laugh "ha!ha!” and you shout "hooray!" 
You think you've had a splendid day,
"I told you it would win" you say
To all the losing throng:
You hurry away your cash to draw, 
To find the bookie you feel sure, 
Ah! but when you find he sloped, oh, lor!
Well, that's when you feel all wrong!

When you first get married to your own true love, 
That's when you feel all right!
If the girl turns out quite a dear little dove,
That's when you feel all right!
Then you only want one thing you vow,
That's a baby boy, and so somehow
When nurse says "Sir you're a father now!"
Ah! that's when you feel all right!

Then you think yourself a lucky chap,
And so gaily you your fingers snap,
For the world you do not care a rap,
But sing a good old song:
You turn to the nurse and say with glee, 
Come tell me is it a he or she?"
Ah! but when she smiles and says there's three,
Oh! that's when you feel all wrong!

If you win a chicken in a raffle one day, 
That's when you feel all right!
If you fancy its a bird that means to lay, 
That's when you feel all right!
You make of that bird a regular pet, 
Feed it on the best of grub, you bet
You think of the new laid eggs you'll get
And that's when you feel all right!

When it sits on the nest you feel so gay, 
Say to yourself "it's going to lay"
But when it stops there day after day,
You think "it's rather long:"
You wake one morn about four o'clock, 
See no eggs, but you find with a shock 
The bird can't lay, "he's a poor old cock!"
And that's when you feel all wrong!

When you're down at the seaside once every year,
That's where you feel all right!
You have just one dip if the water is clear,
That's when you feel all right!
A bathing machine you ne'er could stand, 
So you leave your clothes upon the sand,
Then you plunge straight in it's great, it's grand!
And that's where you feel all right!

Ah! but when you've had a swim or so, 
Back to the shore for your clothes you go 
But you speedily discover though,
Some thieves have been along:
They have sneaked your clothes,without a doubt,
So you have to toddle home without,
And if there's lots of ladies about,
Well, that's when you feel all wrong!

When a pretty little girl gives you a wink,
That's when you feel all right!
If she says "Yes please" when you offer a drink,
That's when you feel all right! 
You feel in a state of ecstacee,
Go for a walk in the park with glee, 
And when, she at last sits on your knee,
Oh! that's when you feel all right!

And to fairly mash her is your plan,
So you tell her all the lies you can, 
You swear that you are a single man,
In language very strong:
But while you're piling it on so thick,
Your dear wife comes up behind you quick, 
Bang! on your head comes the copper-stick
And that's where you feel all wrong!

If you're working at a shop where business thrives, 
That's when you feel all right!
And when your dinner hour at mid-day arrives, 
That's when you feel all right!
You rush off home for your darling Lou 
A rare good dinner has promised you, 
You think it'll perhaps be Irish stew,
So that's when you feel all right!

So you smack your lips and trudge home straight, 
Go up to the wife and say "well mate,
Now what's for dinner love I can't wait"
She says "It won't be long —
But you see all through these squalling brats, 
Your regular dinner's sneaked by the cats,
And all I've got is a pound of sprats"
Oh! that's when you feel all wrong!