I wish they’d do it now (Gray, 1892)

I wish they’d do it now
Comic song and chorus
Written and composed by Barry Gray

My mother in law and I went out
One night to take a stroll
She wore her diamond earrings and
A purse well filled with gold
We were followed by assassins
Who hundred for our gore
And if it hadn’t been for me
They’d have killed my mother-in-law

I wish they’d do it now
I wish they’d do it now
I’d manage to get out of the way
And not turn up till next day
I wish they’d do it now
I’d try to show them how
Oh, wouldn’t it be a snap for me
I wish they’d do it now [twice]

I’m married now about five years 
And settled down in life
I shan’t forget the first time I
Had trouble with my wife
She threw the licence in my face 
And smashed our wedding ring 
And said I’ll go back to ma-ma 
You nasty horrid thing

I wish she’d do it now
I wish she’d do it now
Although in fighting I’m not drilled 
I’d run the risk of being killed
I wish she’d do it now
I’d try to show her how
Oh, wouldn’t it be a snap for me
I wish she’d do it now [twice]

I remember when a little boy
Though many years ago
I had golden hair and hazel eyes
No sorrow did I know
I was the cutest little lad 
You’d see for many a day 
The girls would come from miles around
And borrow me to play

I wish they’d do it now
I wish they’d do it now
Those saucy girls with bangs and curls
Would smooth my childish brow
I wish they’d do it now
I’d try to show them how
Oh, wouldn’t it be a snap for me
I wish they’d do it now [twice]

A re-write of one of the earlier variants of I wish they’d do it now or possibly of EW Mackney’s I’d choose to be a baby, with its own melody …

Barry Gray was the pen name of American humourist and author, Robert Barry Coffin (1826-1866) – its possible that the music publishers were posthumously crediting Coffin.

This version was also published in W.M. Goldie’s Musical Songster (c1892)