Faces

[From Sheet Music Published by Francis Day And Hunter]

FACES
Adapted to the music of "The March of the Men of Harlech" by Charles Osborne.

I will sing a song on faces
That you see in different places,
At the Dogs' Home and the races,
Everywhere you go...
Have you noticed how they vary?
Some are smooth and some are hairy,
Shapes of apes and just as wary
Darwin tells us so...
Everybody's got 'em, If you only spot 'em - 
Every kind and size you find,
They worry you until you want to dot 'em -
Prigs and preachers, Toffs and teachers
Walking about with funny features ...
Monkey Brand is good for bleachers, 
But it won't wash clothes.

Some you see are round and dimply, 
Plump as a lump of pudden simply, 
Some again are pinched and pimply,
Like a cauliflower.
Sanctimonious folks have long 'uns, 
All mankind to them are wrong 'uns, 
As teetotallers they're strong 'uns-
When the grapes are sour.
Some are lantern-jawed 'uns—others big and broad 'uns, 
When they laugh they fall in half;
Like a nigger's or an old churchwarden's. 
Many a man that looks a good 'un
Has got a face that's fairly wooden, 
Like a roley-poley pudden
Trod on when its hot.

After them you see the fat 'uns,
Phizogs of peculiar patterns,
Side by side with wide and flat 'uns¬
Whiskers round the rim.
Watch the mug that shows the flunkey, 
Sly as a fox and slightly funkey,
Wide and snide as a ring-tailed monkey 
Keep your eye on him.
Faces loud and lanky — faces proud and cranky, 
Different jibs, like umbrella ribs,
A mixture of a ferret and a Yankee; 
Chiv's like easels — chiv's like weasels, 
Put you in mind of Sir Peter Teazle's -
Beecham's Pills are good. for the measles —
Oh! God save the Queen.

Ladies, too, upon my civvy,
Each one wears a different chivvy,
One's as round as a youngster's mivvy -
Always on the smile.
Watch the face of the maid of forty,
Ready to choke a joke that's naughty,
Weak and cheap as a piano-fortee 
Troubled with the bile.
Some have lovely faces — some have ugly traces,
Some have chiv's like dustmen's sieves,
They make 'em up and fake 'em up in places.
Everybody, without warning,
Has to put up with the dial he's born in -
God save Ireland — oh! good morning —
Have you used Pears' Soap?