Most miserable man on earth, The

I like to save money, 'cos I'm fond of 'oof'
And as milk's rather dear just now
I saved up my money, just thirty eight pounds
And I bought such a beautiful cow.

I'm the most miserable man on earth
Of trouble I'm always full
The reason that I am so miserable is
The cow's not a cow, it's a bull.

I went to the races to back a good horse
And this horse was named 'Penny Bun'
I had two quid to win, and a quid for a place
And it romped home at twenty-to-one.

I'm the most miserable man on earth
My trouble I cannot shelve
My horse it had rolled home at twenty-to-one
The bookie at half-past twelve.

I went to a penny show one night to see
A big foreign artiste from Rome
He swallowed a sword, and it pleased me so much
I tried it when I got back home. Oh.

I'm the most miserable man on earth
My troubles fill sorrow's cup
I swallowed the sword, just the same as he did
But, hang it! I can't get it up.


I called on my doctor to get his advice
And some physic to cure all my ills
He examined me, found it a serious case
And said, 'Swallow this box of pills.' Oh.

I'm the most miserable man on earth
And no wonder I feel upset
I swallowed the box of pills six weeks ago
And I don't think the lid's come off yet.

I went to the butcher's with my dog today
The dog by the butcher did sit
The butcher said, as he was carving the meat
'Shall I throw your doggie a bit?' Oh.

I'm the most miserable man on earth
The dog it was hungry I'm sure
I said, 'Certainly, you can throw my dog a bit,'
So he threw the dog through the door.