What a funny little place to have one

Now I know a feller who has just got wed,
Only this morning unto him I said
"Where are you going to, to spend, old man
Your honeymoon along with Mary Ann?"
He whispered in my ear "We shall spend our honeymoon
In a railway tunnel, mate, and save a bit of rent."
But I couldn't help but shouting soon,

What a funny little place to have one,
What a funny little place I say.
You can't see each other, for it must be dark,
You can't have a cuddle or a nice old lark.
I've heard of people going to a hotel or a flat,
Somewhere on the quiet for to spend a honeymoon,
But never in a place like that.

Poor Ma lost her nose the other day,
Seeking a bad escape of gas, they say.
She went to the hospital, along with Pa,
They stuck an artificial nose on Ma.
But it would not stick on where a boko ought to be,
So the doctor made a hole just a little lower down
And he stuck it on her chin, you see.

What a funny little place to have one,
What a funny little place I say.
The baby clutches it and grabs it, oh,
Thinks it is a little feeeding bottle, it's true.
It's like some big tomato, it is so red and fat.
I've seen a lot of funny noses in me time,
But I've never seen a nose like that.

Now my brother Tommy joined the Volunteers,
When he went away we gave three cheers.
In his uniform he did look grand,
'Til he came home on his furlough, and
He had his Scotch kilt on, and a Scotch cap on his head,
But the way that he wore that little fillet-bag!
All the neighbours looked at him and said;

What a funny little place to have one;
What a funny little place, I say."
Oh, there it was, hangin' round his neck, oh dear!
Like a bunch of whiskers, only not round here!
Our servant, she said "Tommy, I'll get you a pussy-cat;
No girl will want to stroke your little fillet-bag
If you wear it in a place like that!"

Now I shan't forget the day when I took Mother Brown
Into the country, and we both sat down
In a field where it was full of hay;
Don't I recollect that summer's day.
She said a mosquito had gone down her back, you see,
Ans she wanted me to try and get it out,
But I shouted "Goodness gracious me!

What a funny little place to have one;
What a funny little place, I say."
She said "It's now down the middle of me back,
Oh, do put you finger down and try to get it, Jack."
I shouted Holy Moses!  You are a saucy cat.
I'd do it in a minute, if 'twas anywhere else,
But I couldn't in a place like that!"