Man who rode the mule, The
The man who rode the mule I was born 10,000 years ago There’s nothing in this world I do not know I saw Peter Paul and Moses playing ring around the roses And I’ll fight the man who says it isn’t so. [I’m] He’s the man who rode the mule around the world [I’m] He’s the man who rode the mule around the world [I] He saw Adam [I] He saw Eve when they dressed themselves in leaves [I’m] He’s the man who rode the mule around the world [This song is about no one else but me So when you sing the chorus sing not "I" but "he" You'll find it goes much better If you follow this to the letter So when you sing the chorus sing not "I" but "he"] I saw Satan when he walked the garden o'er I saw Adam and Eve banished from the door While the Apple they were eating Through the bushes I was peeping I know because I'm the one who ate the core I was there when Cain slew Abel in the glade And I know the game was poker that they played But now here is the rub They say he hit him with a club I could swear it was a diamond or a spade King Solomon was very wise they claim With a thousand wives he knew them all by name That’s because I used to list them With my alphabetic system Every single time he met another dame. I showed Samson how to use his mighty hands Showed Moses how to find the Promised Land And for the Pharoah’s little kiddies I built the pyramiddies And filled the Sahara desert up with sand I saw Jonah when he was swallowed by the whale And I thought he'd never lived to tell the tale But I gave the whale some garlic Which gave the whale the colic And it coughed him up and got out of jail I saw Samson when he laid village cold Saw Daniel tame the Lions in the hold I built the tower of Babel Just as high as I was able And there's lots of other things I haven't told I remember when the Romans had a king I saw Cleopatra pawn her wedding ring I saw the Pharaoh's little daughter Pulling Moses from the water That was the night I taught [the sirens]* how to sing *Or insert name. Isabella sent Columbus with a crew On a little trip across the ocean blue But to me she said "hey fella" You stay here with Isabella That's why I stowed away in 1492 Queen Elizabeth she fell in love with me We were married in the Abbey secretly But I schemed around in shook her And ran off with General Hooker To shoot mosquitoes down in Tennessee In the boudoir with dear Empress Josephine When Napoleon was nowhere to be seen It was then that I played my part Much better than a Bonaparte Well I guess you know exactly what I mean I taught William the Conqueror how to fight And I stuffed out Florence Nightingale's light And while Robin Hood was carrying on I was with made Marion on The bed that we hid under for the night I'm a very highly educated man There's not a thing that I don't understand I've been around so long That I used to sing this song When Abraham and Isaac rushed the can Now you may not believe that what I say is true What difference does it really make to you? If I'm shooting you a line Just to pass the time But I'm quitting now because my song is through. [Those are the 15 or so verses that I cobbled together from the Internet. The remaining 15 verses are the ones which I like best from Lomax and Lomax, where they aren't already included in some form above. Inevitably there is some overlap: when an old man tells a long story, there's bound to be repetition! On occasion I have modernised or anglicised the language. Whoever wrote these verses certainly had a better grasp of Old Testament and classical mythology than I do!] I was there when Noah built his famous ark And I crawled in through a window after dark I saw Jonah eat the whale, Daniel twist the Lion's tail And I crossed the land of Canaan on a lark. I saw Solomon and all his wives so fair I saw Absalom left hanging by the hair And when I saved King David's life And he offered me a wife I said "Now you're talking business have a chair." I saw Pharaoh being pestered by the fleas I helped Brigham Young invent Limburger cheese And while sailing down the bay With Methuselah one day I saved his flowing whiskers in the breeze I was there when Alexander crossed the sea And I always cheered him on to victory And when King Darius died I was fighting by his hide So gave his horse and chariot to me. Yes I'm the man who built the Parthenon At which Euripides said "well done" And I used to serve pink teas For my friend Praxiliteles Whilst Pilate served us from his demijohn. Yes I used to whittle toothpicks for King Saul And I clubbed the big Goliath with a maul Though the son of Priam swore And the Trojan host got sore I waltzed with the fair Helen on the wall I was there when John the Baptist lost his head And I heard the very words Salome said When they brought the bloody charger Both his eyes were growing larger Good God! A dance like that could raise the dead. Yes I sailed with Cleopatra on the Nile One day she whispered to me with a smile "Now as for poor old Tony I always thought he was a phony But I'm surely stuck on you a great big pile" I was present at the battle of Nile And did the bullets fly, well I should smile And when Pharaoh hit the king With the cutlass on the wing I was hiding at the bottom of the pile I was present when they stopped up Caesar's gore When the Senators went skating around the floor It was I who swiped the Crown That he foolishly turned down And I sold it to a man on Bleaklow Moor I was there when Cincinnatus left the plough And the Roman thus addressed me with a bow "Now if you would only go I'd be happier alone I could stay at home and milk my Jersey cow" I saw Nero fiddling when he burned up Rome And I told him it looked like his future home When he had the nerve to swear I dragged him from his chair And broke a Pilsner bottle on his dome I sold spearheads in the Neolithic age And I trained a Brontosaurus for the stage But when I made a fire And a wheel without a tyre My cave received a lot of patronage I was present when King Alfred burned the cake And ‘twas lucky for ‘twould have made his stomach ache And when Robert watched the spider I just sat there drinking cider And convinced him Christian Science was a fake I was the Bard of Avon’s closest chum I could tell a story that would really make things hum For when Shakespeare wrote his plays He was always in a daze From the influence of spearmint chewing gum
When I sing this song, I sometimes get requests. Usually they are along the lines of “why does it go on for so long?” or “can you stop now please?”
Occasionally though people ask where it comes from. The truth is it’s my adaption of a whole number of floating verses that come from a family of songs, with names like “I was born 10,000 years ago”; “The history song”; “The Highly educated man”; and “The great historical bum”.
I sing it as “The man who rode the mule” because that’s what Charlie Poole called it. The first version I heard was from Loudon Wainwright, as part of his Charlie Poole project. I have deviated significantly from that original source, although there are some verses in common.
My verses have been cobbled together from a huge number of sources, with various lines adopted from different versions. Sad man that I am, the first 15 verses represent many hours of Internet research. When I was happy I had got what I thought was a definitive version, my son Sam helpfully pointed out that a 25-verse version had been published in 1934 by John and Alan Lomax in American Ballads and Folk Songs.
The 30 verses here are the ones I would sing if I could remember them all at any one time. As you can imagine, in the verse-chorus, verse-chorus format, people start leaving the room after the first 10 verses! I have occasionally tried to sing them all in chronological order but I have to confess I don’t know whether Cincinnatus came before Nero or vice versa!
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