Soft as oi looks

AKA I bain’t half as soft as I look
First Published 1923
Writer/composer Raymond Green / Fred O Lyster Roud RN29921

Music Hall Performers Raymond Green, Billie Richardson
Folk performances Collected from the singing of:
Payne, Ernie; England : Avon; 1980
Lane, Ernie; England : Gloucestershire; 1993		 

Soft As Oi Looks 
Sung by RAYMOND GREEN 

Oi works on a farm and moi name it is 'Iggs,
Oi feeds all the cows and oi milks all the pigs, 
Folk say oi be simple, but 'twixt you and me, 
Oi bain't arf so simple as folk think oi be. 
Oi read in the papers about this new force 
They calls Pelmanism*, so oi took a course.

And oi be as smart now as any town lad, 
Oi bain't arf so soft as oi looks, 
This morning the Farmer says "Ere 'Iggs moi lad, 
What steps should you take now if yon bull went mad?' 
Oi said `Oi'd take quick uns and long uns, egad!' 
Cos oi bain't arf so soft as oi looks. 

We 'ad some foine doings at Michaelmas Fair, 
All the best folk and meself wor up there, 
The swingboats wor foine but moi eyes wor glued 
On a tent with a fat lady who wor tattooed. 
The crowd wor disgraceful, the tent nearly burst, 
Oi knows it be true, becos oi got in first. 

And oi be as smart now as any town lad, 
Oi bain't arf so soft as oi looks, 
It cost un a shilling to kiss that foine gel, 
For two and six 'er gave a cuddle as well, 
Oi'd foive bobs' worth o' cuddle, and loiked it as well, 
Cos oi bain't arf so soft as oi looks. 

Now oi've started courtin' a girl name of Sal, 
'Er lives foive moile from 'ere, eh she is a foine gal, 
Oi met 'er last Zummer, it seems loike a joke, 
Oi smoiled (broad grin here) and she winked, so oi went up and spoke. 
Now when us goes courtin' down dark lanes at noight 
Oi takes moi big lantern un gives such a loight. 

And oi be as smart now as any town lad, 
Oi bain't arf so soft as oi looks, 
Last Sunday 'er brother said 'You must be mad, 
Oi dain't court with a lantern when oi wor a lad.' 
Oi says 'No— you'd a-looked at 'er face if you 'ad.' 
And oi bain't arf so soft as oi looks.

A song from the early 1920s, remembered by traditional singers from Gloucestershire: Ernie Lane and Ernie Payne, you can find out more about both at the Glostrad site, though at the time of writing recordings were not available.

The song was written and performed in the early 1920s by Raymond Green, with music composed by Frank O Lyster, who between them seem to have written less than half a dozen published songs. BBC radio listings from the 1930s show regular appearances of Raymond Green, entertainer, playing the piano alongside various brass and silver bands.

The song was also recorded in 1930 by Billie Richardson, described as a “country yokel singer”. It was released as a double sided single with Wot’s the Price of Swedes? More details can be found in the Journal of the London Phonograph and Gramophone Society available at the link below. You can hear the recording as part of the podcast The Sounds of 78s (episode 31).

Soft as Oi looks comes from the time when variety theatre and radio were partially displacing the old Halls. I have no evidence that the song was sung in the Halls, but I include it here anyway…

*Pelmanism was an early form of brain training ..

Sources: