Modern Swell’s Diary, The; Studying Economy

The Modern Swells Diary
Written by Mr JA Hardwick, and sung by Mr JW Sharp

I'm a gent reduced by railway speculations,
Though not possess'd of ample means, I've splendid expectations,
My uncle he's Directer of 'The Round the Corner Junction'-
I often draw a pound of him without the least compunction.

On my word! 
By studying economy I live like a lord.

Since I've been on the town, alas, by fickle fortune undone, 
I've found out there's more ways than one to live slap-up in London,
This world is bad but I contrive, first-rate to rattle through it, 
So, if you'll only list to me, I'll tell you how I do it!

I rise at half past nine a.m. and then I make my toilet
Pipeclay my front, rub up my boots; my hair with candle oil it, 
As breakfast is a matter of pure taste, why I don't mind it,
And if I've none I go without and healthy too I find it

At ten o'clock I sally out, and go to hear the hand play-
That brings me to eleven, then I promenade the Strand way -
Until I get up to London Bridge, that rendezvous of schemers,
When half an hour glides away, admiring the steamers

This brings me round to twelve o'clock, then I invest a Joey 
In half a loaf, and pick out one slack baked and rather doughy,
Because, you see, it satisfies - I feel compelled to tell it -
A drink of water at the pump most certainly will swell it.

At one I buy a mutton pie and hide it in my pocket
Dive up a narrow court, and there I bolt it like a rocket.
I'm not obliged to let the world know what I have for dinner, 
If people think you're living queer, they'll swear you're getting thinner!

By two I reach the coffee shop, and read a book till seven
And then I take a half a pint of four ale till eleven -
By twelve get home and make no row, for fear of Mother Randall. 
And in the dark I go to bed, because it saves a candle

I like to save expenses, and as trifles don't annoy me,
With washing up my things at night an hour or two employs me—
There's nothing lost by that, you see, for while the linen dries, sir,
Why I'm engaged in concocting up a scheme to gain supplies, sir !

Sometimes to make a stunning meal I task my ingenuity,
Then I indulge in meat, but that I own's a superfluity.
As I can't a-bear block ornaments, for fear of those small maggots —
I wait till eight o'clock comes round, and patronises faggots,

I'm not particular to a shade, and when the funds are waning, 
I calculate the best way to dispose of what's remaining.
I used to have a penny scrape, but now I'm getting saving,
So when it's dark I go where a brown will do the shaving..

I used to smoke a meerschaum pipe in palmy days I bought one, 
But now the times are alter'd and I'm glad to smoke a shortone
When I've no visions of cigars, and very low in coppers, 
I walk along St. James's Park, and pick up all the toppers. 

The faculty they all declare light suppers aid digestion —
And I decidedly agree in their view of the question.
But if a friend invites me home, I do accept his offer —
If not, why then I speculate a penny in a Gouffre. 

I've told you now particulars of bow I pass the day away—
By living very close, you see, I haven't much to pay away.
Sometimes I get reduced, I own, to pease pudding on a Friday,
But still, considering all things, why I do it very tidy !



Studying Economy
Collected from Mabs Hall by Mike Yates in 1985 (from Mainly Norfolk)

Oh the times are hard but I'm prepared to try to rattle through it.
And if you come and list to me, I'll tell you how I do it.
And upon my word, studying economy I live like a lord.


At ten I sally out and go to hear the band play.
Which takes me 'til eleven when I promenade the strand way.
At two I reach a coffee shop and read a book 'til seven.
And half a pint of good four ale will last me 'til eleven.
And upon my word, studying economy I live like a lord.

I can't abide block ornaments for fear of those small maggots.
So I wait until eight o'clock comes round and patronise the faggot.
And upon my word, studying economy I live like a lord.

Now I've told you all the particulars of how I pass my day away.
Through studying economy I don't have much to pay away.
Though I've reduced it. I tell it to pease pudding on a Friday.
And all things considering why I get on pretty tidy.
And upon my word, studying economy I live like a lord.

Then I sally home and make no row, for fear of mother Randell.
And into bed all in the dark, because it saves a candle.
And upon my word, studying economy I live like a lord.