Delaney’s Donkey

DELANEY'S DONKEY
Words & music by William Hargreaves
Francis & Day's Album of Famous Irish Songs.

Delaney had a donkey that everyone admired,
Tempo'rily lazy permanently tired;
A leg at ev'ry corner, balancing its head,
And a tail to let you know which end it wanted to be fed
Riley slyly said "We've underrated it,
Why not train it?" then he took a rag,
Rubbed it, scrubbed it, oiled and embrocated it
Got it to the post and when the starter dropped the flag

There was Riley pushing it, shoving it, and shushing it,
Hogan, Logan ev'ryone in town,
Lined up attacking it, shoving it and smacking it;
They might as well have tried to push the town hall down.
The donkey was eyeing them, openly defying them,
Winking, blinking, twisting out of place,
Riley reversing it, ev'rybody cursing it
The day Delaney's donkey ran the half-mile race .

The muscles of the mighty, never known to flinch,
Didn't move the donkey quarter of an inch
Delaney lay exhausted, hanging round its throat
With a grip just like a Scotchman on a twenty shilling note.
Starter, Carter, lined up all the rest of 'em;
When it saw them, it was willing then.
Raced up, braced up, ready for the best of 'em
They started off to cheer it but it changed its mind again

There was Riley pushing it, shoving it, and shushing it
Hogan Logan, Mary Ann MacGraw,
She started poking it, grabbing it and choking it;
It kicked her in the bustle and it laughed "Hee-Haw!"
The whigs and conservatives, radical superlatives
Lib'rals tories, hurried to the place,
Stood there in unity, helping the community
To push Delaney's donkey in the half-mile race.

The crowd began to cheer it. Rafferty, the judge,
Came up to assist them, still it wouldn't budge.
The jockey who was riding, little John McGee,
Was so thoroughly disgusted he went home to get his tea
Hagan, Fagan, students of psychology,
Swore they'd shift it with some dynamite.
Bought it, brought it, then without apology
The donkey gave a sneeze and blew the darn stuff out of sight

There was Riley pushing it, shoving it, and shushing it,
Hogan Logan all the bally crew,
P'lice and auxil'ary, the Garrison Artillery,
The Second Inniskillings, and the Life Guards, too,
They seized it and harried it, picked it up and carried it,
Cheered it, steered it, to the winning place,
Bookies all drew aside and committed suicide
Because Delaney's donkey won the half-mile race.