Ask a P’liceman

AKA If you want to know the time ask a policeman
First Published 1889
Writer/composer EW Rogers/AE Durandeau Roud RNV1211

Music Hall Performers James Fawn
Folk performances ?? 

The p'lice force is a noble band that safely guard our streets
Their valour is unquestioned and they're noted for their feats
If anything you wish to know they'll tell you with a grin
In fact each one of them is a complete Enquire Within.

If you want to know the time ask a p'liceman
The proper Greenwich time, ask a p'liceman
Ev'ry member of the force, has a watch and chain of course
If you want to know the time ask a p'liceman.

If you stay out late at night and pass through regions queer
Thanks to those noble guardians of foes you have no fear
If drink you want and 'pubs' are shut go to the man in blue
Say you're thirsty and good-natured, and he'll show you what to do.

If you want to get a drink, ask a p'liceman
He'll manage it I think, will a p'liceman
He'll produce the flowing pot, if the 'pubs' are shut or not
He could open all the lot, ask a p'liceman.

If your servant suddenly should leave her cosy place
Don't get out an advertisement her whereabouts to trace
You're told it was a soldier who removed her box of clothes
Don't take the information in, but ask the man who knows.

If you don't know where she is, ask a p'liceman
For he's 'in the know' he is, ask a p'liceman
Though they say with 'red ' she flew yet its ten to one on 'blue'
For he mashes just a few. Ask a p'liceman.

And if you're getting very stout your friends say in a trice
'Consult a good physician, and he'll give you this advice
Go in for running all you can no matter when or how
And if you'd had a trainer, watch a bobby in a row.

If you want to learn to run, ask a p'liceman
How to fly, though twenty 'stun', ask a p'liceman
Watch a bobby in a fight in a tick he's out of sight
For advice on rapid flight, ask a p'liceman.

Or if you're called away from home, and leave your wife behind
You say, 'Oh would that I had a friend to guard the house could find,
And keep my love in safety' but let you're troubles cease
You'll find the longed-for keeper in a member of the p'lice.

If your wife should want a friend, ask a p'liceman
Who a watchful eye will lend, ask a p'liceman
Truth and honour you can trace written on his manly face
When you're gone he'll mind your place, ask a p'liceman.
 

A song from the Halls which still seems to live on in our memories, even if it isn’t widely sung in its original form. I make no claims for this one having entered the “folk song canon”, it’s included here as an example of a “classic” music hall song.

Most famously sung by James Fawn, it’s one of a number of songs which reflected a distrust of the police amongst the working people that most often formed the audiences in the Halls. It’s also an example of one of the many songs that were caught up in the rather vague laws of copyright and performing rights in the late 19th-century. Fawn took the publishers Francis Bros. to court, asserting it was his right, not the theirs’, to determine who could sing it on the Music Hall stage . The publishers had bought the copyright of the song for £10 (around £1300 in todays money) giving them the right to print and sell the sheet music, but on the basis of a handwritten note on the receipt, Fawn won the case meaning it could not be legally be sung on stage without his permission (The Era Dec 7 1889)

James Fawn (1850-1923) was a highly successful comic actor who specialised in playing drunks. His debut at the Marylebone Theatre in 1866 seems to have involved him wandering on repeatedly and saying drunkenly “I’ve had two rum shrub“. On these slim beginnings he built a career performing in both “legitimate theatre” and the Halls. He formed a highly successful double acts, firstly with Arthur Roberts and later with Sam Wilkinson, but in later years performed by himself. Contemporary critics thought him a little crude early in his career, but he seemed to gain respectability later years. His repertoire included a long list of comic songs including Ju jah, Only One, The Sanitary Inspector, The Man on the Door and many others long forgotten, all perhaps accept this one…

Sources:

  • Entries in the Roud Indexes at the Vaughn Williams Memorial Library: https://archives.vwml.org/search/all:single[folksong-broadside-books]/0_50/all/score_desc/extended-roudNo_tr%3AV1211
  • Kilgarrif Sing Us
  • Lyrics and Sheet Music: monologues.co.uk
  • Image: wikipedia
  • MacQueen Pope: Melodies Linger