And the verdict was

AKALife’s short, very very short
First Published1893

Writer/composerCharles Osborne RoudRN30338

Music Hall PerformersTE Dunville
Folk performancesCollected from the singing of:
Walmsley, Annie ; England : Lancashire ; 1950/60s
From Francis and Day's 14th Comic Album (personal copy)

AND THE VERDICT WAS
Words and Music by Charles Osborne.

Life's short, very, very short, 
Here we haven't long to stay;
So I'm giving you a rhyme, 
Something in the short, sweet way:
Little Billy Bates fastened on his skates, 
But the ice was thin;
Suddenly a crack, wollop on his back, 
Little Billy Bates popp'd in,
And the verdict was - 

A little boy, 
A pair of skates,
Broken ice, 
Heaven's gates.[twice]

Two girls, very silly girls, 
Went upon the deep blue sea; 
Both dull, couldn't pull a scull, 
Didn't care a J.O.T.
Jenny caught a crab, then she tried to grab
Judy's hair and yelled;
Neither one survived, coroner arrived,
On them he an inquest held.
And the verdict was - 

A little boat,
Two Polones,
Caught a crab, 
Davy Jones [twice]

John Gough thought he'd look a toff
Mounted on an old grey moke;
He tried, while he had a ride
Practising an ancient joke.
Johnny stuck a squib on the donkeys rib,
Then applied a light;
Suddenly it bust, kicking up a dust
Johnny disappeared from sight.
And the verdict was - 

Donkeys rib 
A mashers soft 
Busted squib 
Gone aloft [twice]

Mike Miggs used to feed the pigs
Coax 'em with his hobnailed boot
His nose scared away the crows-
Kept 'em from the farmers fruit.
When the spring had come
Mickey stole a plumb
But that plum was green
Just below the belt, what a pain he felt,
Oh! God save the Queen!
And the verdict was - 

Farmers led  
Stolen plum 
Cholera bad 
Kingdom come [twice]

Polone or polony  is a demeaning term for a woman , possibly from the Italian for "chick" (Green's Dictionary of Slang)

An alternative American version is available as digital sheet music from the New York Public Library

A music hall song seemingly only collected once from a traditional singer, it was collected from the singing of Annie Walmsley by Fred Hamer in the 1950s or 60s. The song was originally written and composed by Charles Osborne for the comedian TE Dunville.

At the moment I am unable to access any publicly available recordings.

Sources:

  • VWML entry
  • Kilgarrif Sing Us
  • Lyrics and UK sheet music: From Francis and Day’s 14th Comic Album (personal copy)
  • Sheet music cover: Bodleian Library Scan
  • US Sheet Music: New York Public Library
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